Stay Close & Give Me Space...

"We are individual and social creatures. We need other people to survive, but we want to survive as individuals."--Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

    Relationships. Such a double-edged sword in my own experience. Coming from a Westernized American culture that seems to value independence first and community second, I found myself subscribing to this belief from a very early age. I was the child that preferred to play alone or with one (maybe two) other friends. You could easily find me off in a corner alone somewhere reading at home or at school during recess. Granted, I cherished my close friendships when I did open myself up to other people, but I always had a sense that I needed to maintain some level of distance in order to keep control...of...what? Myself? My sense of identity? My physical space? All of it, I believe.

   I have managed to be successful in relationships of all kinds despite my strong sense of independence, and I believe this achievement has been the result of my careful balancing act of getting close--but not too close. For most of my life, I recall being told to "Speak up more", "Don't be so shy", and the like. Sure, I tried to do those things at school (at home and among people I trusted, it was always easier). And probably some of my quiet demeanor came from self-consciousness and a lack of confidence at such a young age, but not all of it. I sensed that if I gave too much of myself I might be in over my head and fast, but of exactly what, I still couldn't point out and name.

   It wasn't until I came across work from Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., that clues to my life-long behavior began coming together to make sense and help me articulate what I believe has been going on for me (and most likely many other people out there who might feel the same). Tannen has devoted much of her work to studying human interaction and conversation from the point of view of a linguist. I have always found it interesting that her background gets into the more literal nuts and bolts of communication--how we use language to express ourselves--we're the same yet different in our studies. I did not learn a whole lot about the specific uses of language (outside of interpersonal communication) in my past college programs, so I have found her work immensely valuable in terms of bringing an entirely new insight into my own.

   When it comes to the issue of wanting to be part of a community while maintaining our sense of independence, Tannen explains that it's simply part of our human condition. Really, it's just part of being human! I cannot speak from the perspective of one who grew up in a collectivist society, as I did not, but learning this has enlightened me a bit with respect to my independent American culture. I actually felt a huge weight lifting when I read Tannen's words. So it's not just me! I' was never "strange", "weird", or 'too shy'. I finally felt free from the lingering guilt that always seemed to live under the surface of every solitary moment I craved for myself at the expense of potentially sharing it with another human being. That being said, I'm not advocating full-fledged hermit status here. I'm just helping grant permission to those out there seeking some balance in their lives to go ahead and take a bit of time here and there for yourself with no worries. Just remember that loved ones deserve some attention too.

   This post is a dedication to my husband, by the way. He was the one who encouraged me to start this blog. He is also one of those amazing individuals in my life who consistently puts up with my demands for staying close but not too close. Our relationship has had this theme running through it since 2008, when I prolonged our first date for almost a month, as we communicated primarily online or over the phone. He was patient as I tried to negotiate within myself how much time I would devote to our budding relationship. I was always astounded by how easily he seemed to give up his time for me, and I wondered why I was holding back. Sure, I was a busy student who also worked part-time. Sure, I had a lot going on in my life at that time. But I held fast to my balancing act, and I eventually succeeded in working with him to negotiate boundaries that worked for both of us. That's the key.

   I'll never forget how relieved I was when he eventually told me (maybe after a year or so into our relationship) about the first time he was looking forward to having some alone time at home after we had spent much of a weekend together. It was a glorious validation for me once again. So, it isn't just me! You want me to go away too--this is wonderful! Not the most romantic-sounding thing to say, but to me, it was music to my ears. I could let go of that lingering doubt and guilt again.

   So, the moral for today is this: remember that it's ok to be alone and it's ok not to be alone. Find a balance that works for you. Be willing to compromise as you negotiate your needs with those of your loved ones. And don't let guilt lead you to doubt your own needs. Balance is key.