Keeping Your Word: Consistency & Integrity

"A man, without his word, is nothing."--Anon.

"Don't make excuses--make good."--Elbert Hubbard

   Very often, it seems, I encounter decent and well-meaning human beings that do not keep their word. Yes, I've done it myself a few times (we all have); however, I take extra care in remaining accountable for the words I say and promises I make to others. I always come back to the person I originally spoke with and offer a sincere apology, making sure I full well own up to my own shortcoming in that instance. This topic has become a particularly strong pet peeve of mine over the years--maybe because I grew up with a dad who often broke his promises--and it shows no signs of waning. In fact, as I continue to go through life, I find myself developing even higher standards when it comes to people keeping their words. I know my Sicilian great grandfather was known to say a variation of the first quote listed above, and I have taken it to heart ever since my grandmother shared it with me when I was a child.

   It takes consistency and integrity to own up to one's mistakes, and I do not take it lightly whenever I happen to "drop the ball", so to speak, and do not keep my word. I also expect others to provide the same respect and courtesy to me whenever they drop the ball. As a business owner, I have no idea how others can effectively conduct business in a fashion that allows for not keeping one's word. Perhaps many people would rather be polite and not speak up whenever they encounter someone who does not follow through and do what they said they would do for fear of consequences or repercussions resulting from potentially calling someone out. Maybe those who don't end up keeping their words don't realize their mistakes--or simply don't care. I'd like to think better of people, even when it seems difficult to do so.

   It's important for me to clarify here that my point is not that people always accomplish every task they set out to do (obviously, this may not be possible). My point relates back to the overall purpose of my blog: communication. Are you keeping the lines of communication open to those you have made promises to and/or given your word? Going back to my comment about politeness, I believe that effective and appropriate communication allows for owning our feeling whenever we feel slighted or overlooked by others who gave us their word. Being polite has its place in more formal settings; however, once private discussion can occur, more candid communication can then take place. Resentment for past irritations can build up and become toxins that pollute an otherwise positive and strong relationship, which is why it's so important to be honest about negative feelings as they come up--rather than ignore them or save them all up to deal with at a later time.

   I recommend calling upon your own consistency and integrity in everything you say you will do for someone else. If you find yourself unable to do the thing you said you would do, find the next available moment to communicate to the person how sorry you are (and mean it) and offer to make good on your word. Don't make excuses. Don't blame someone else. Own up to what happened, consider how you would feel if the tables were turned (as they may someday be with someone else), apologize, ask for forgiveness, and move on.

   When someone doesn't keep his or her word to you, be patient. If an apology is offered to you, remember what it feels like to be in a position of having to go back on your own word. Honestly communicate your disappointment to the person offering the apology and do what you believe is best when it comes to forgiveness. If someone is always letting you down, maybe it's time to talk about the bigger picture and whatever else might be going on that continues to lead to the repeated let downs. Maybe it's a perfect opportunity to express your forgiveness. It all depends on the specific people and circumstances. 

   Being part of a civilized society, keeping one's word is an obvious way to show one's civility and common courtesy. It's also a wonderful way of maintaining effective communication and strengthening relationships. Thank you for reading.

Communicating With Memories & Qualities

"Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things."--Cicero

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."--William Shakespeare

   Today, I remember my Dad, who would've turned 65 today. Despite this number, I have come to think of him as ageless. The qualities of who this man was when he was physically with us, as well as the qualities that remain in the memories of those who knew him then, are unchanged. I have taken great comfort in the fact that who we are--our spirits, ideas of who we are, etc.--cannot die. The most important aspect of humanity is not our flesh and bones; rather, it is the effects we have had on others around us, our qualities, the lasting legacies of Love.

   I cannot deny that I went through (and still sometimes go through) periods of grieving, anger, and frustration for the physical man that was my Dad who I can no longer reach out and hug, or pick up a phone and call, or get in a car and go visit. I have had to work very hard to understand the transformation of who my Dad really is and how to hold him close in different ways than the physically obvious. It has been a journey that started back on March 8, 2008: the day he passed away. Now, on August 8th, 2011, I have reached new understanding about how to deal with the loss I experienced over three years ago. It is my hope that this writing will resonate with others and help them through their own grieving processes.

   The ways in which I continue to communicate with my Dad's memories and qualities vary: some days I'll hear a song on the radio that he used to sing to me when I was a little girl, or I'll hear songs from artists that he really enjoyed. Those instances tend to make me feel closer to him and that he's come for a "visit" of sorts. It happens frequently enough, that I feel comforted on a relatively regular basis. :-)

   I also enjoy visiting places that my Dad used to take my younger brother and I as children (the beach), visiting the local town he used to live in (and that hold other childhood memories for me), doing some of the activities he enjoyed (walking in the park), visiting some of the restaurants he liked, and eating some of the foods he enjoyed (BBQ).

   It goes without saying that I'll also look at photos of my Dad, read old letters and cards he gave me, and even listen to some old recordings I have of his voice that we made many years ago (and some from my old answering machine)--which reminds me that I want to transfer those to the computer someday. All of these physical methodologies are nice; however, they tend to leave me feeling like I want more. Like what I have left is not enough. This has led me to the most important way in which I remember my Dad...

   I think about who he was in his life and who he continues to be for me in my life (e.g. a source of humor, courage, inspiration to work hard and persevere, etc.) and I try to live that everyday. As much as I feel that it would be wonderful to see, talk with, and hug him again, I know that I have something even greater than that now: ideas and qualities of a Dad who cannot die. Nothing can destroy or take away the Love that exists from him and for him. As difficult as it can be to accept that all material and physical elements of people and things may disappear, what truly matters (who we are and the qualities that all things represent) always remains unchanged. This perspective has been the ultimate source of comfort and salvation for me during the grieving process, and I am grateful that I understand it and can share it with others now.

   I know my Dad is always with me and that is enough. I love you, Dad, and I honor you today and everyday. 

To Be Heard & Understood

"We all want, above all, to be heard--but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood--heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant."--Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

   I've been through this many times: I say something to someone and it is perceived in a way that I did not intend. This leads the other person to respond in a way that I was not expecting. Taken aback, I find that the conversation is quickly going in a direction that I do not want. I either try to backtrack towards my original intent and meaning of what was said, or I end the conversation. Either way, I tend to leave the situation feeling unsatisfied and a bit lonely when I do not feel heard or understood.

   I've also been through this many times: I say something to someone and what I meant is immediately grasped by the other person. This person responds in a way that I was completely expecting, and we go on talking together in a compatible rhythm that is satisfying and validating to my sense of feeling heard and understood.

   The first example of conversation used to occur quite frequently with my husband while the second example tends to still occur quite frequently with my male best friend (my "twin brother", as I call him). True, my best friend has known me longer than my husband by about 11 years, so he has had some time to get to know how I tend to communicate. Yet, I've seemed to have conversational compatibility with my best friend since the first month we began our friendship. My husband and I have had to work much harder to understand the various meanings behind what we say to each other. The challenge has proven to be exciting and worthwhile; however, I still find myself sometimes longing for the easier style of conversation that comes naturally between my best friend and I.

   What makes some people able to "get us" on a level that others must work harder to do? There could be hundreds of reasons; however, I find the individual reasons less important than the fact that we are all capable of hearing and understanding each other. Yes, everything we perceive about each other is filtered through our own unique perspectives of the world around us, but that doesn't mean that we cannot take a glimpse into another person's perspective. All it takes are people willing to communicate effectively--and yes, it might take more work, but anything worth doing tends to take consistent practice and diligence.

   I've begun taking it upon myself to stop expecting my husband to automatically know what I mean when I speak to him. If I say something, and I sense that it's being interpreted differently than I intended, that's when I take it upon myself to own my meaning by clarifying what I said so that I can guide him towards the direction of my intent. I try not to take personal offense towards his responses because I realize that we can, at times, be vastly different people with different opinions and understandings about how the world works. This is a given between males and females especially, as well as between any two human beings, but what's important is (always) how we deal with our differences.

   I expect that my husband will clarify what he means whenever I'm not understanding him, and he already does this for the most part. What I admire about his ability to do this is that he doesn't seem to take my apparent misunderstandings personally. I used to believe that his lack of immediate understanding of what I said meant that we were incompatible, and I'm grateful that he never seemed to go down that path in his own perception. Knowing that our communication styles and perspectives can simply be different is far less threatening than the idea of blatant incompatibility as a couple. I believe that if we jump to such conclusions without having seriously worked through our communicative differences, then we're taking the easy way out--and the pattern could easily repeat itself with the next person we meet.

   Learning how to have the kinds of conversations we have with those who just seem to 'get us' with those who don't seem to understand us can feel frustrating; however, I've come to realize that with enough effort, many of our conversations can begin to feel more satisfying. That sense of feeling heard and understood comes from our own ability to express what we mean in ways that others can clearly comprehend. If we happen to encounter a misinterpretation the first time, all we need to do is keep trying--without defensiveness--to make our intended connection. Sure, it might not be easy at first, but I can promise that it will get easier if done in a loving spirit.