To Be Heard & Understood

"We all want, above all, to be heard--but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood--heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant."--Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

   I've been through this many times: I say something to someone and it is perceived in a way that I did not intend. This leads the other person to respond in a way that I was not expecting. Taken aback, I find that the conversation is quickly going in a direction that I do not want. I either try to backtrack towards my original intent and meaning of what was said, or I end the conversation. Either way, I tend to leave the situation feeling unsatisfied and a bit lonely when I do not feel heard or understood.

   I've also been through this many times: I say something to someone and what I meant is immediately grasped by the other person. This person responds in a way that I was completely expecting, and we go on talking together in a compatible rhythm that is satisfying and validating to my sense of feeling heard and understood.

   The first example of conversation used to occur quite frequently with my husband while the second example tends to still occur quite frequently with my male best friend (my "twin brother", as I call him). True, my best friend has known me longer than my husband by about 11 years, so he has had some time to get to know how I tend to communicate. Yet, I've seemed to have conversational compatibility with my best friend since the first month we began our friendship. My husband and I have had to work much harder to understand the various meanings behind what we say to each other. The challenge has proven to be exciting and worthwhile; however, I still find myself sometimes longing for the easier style of conversation that comes naturally between my best friend and I.

   What makes some people able to "get us" on a level that others must work harder to do? There could be hundreds of reasons; however, I find the individual reasons less important than the fact that we are all capable of hearing and understanding each other. Yes, everything we perceive about each other is filtered through our own unique perspectives of the world around us, but that doesn't mean that we cannot take a glimpse into another person's perspective. All it takes are people willing to communicate effectively--and yes, it might take more work, but anything worth doing tends to take consistent practice and diligence.

   I've begun taking it upon myself to stop expecting my husband to automatically know what I mean when I speak to him. If I say something, and I sense that it's being interpreted differently than I intended, that's when I take it upon myself to own my meaning by clarifying what I said so that I can guide him towards the direction of my intent. I try not to take personal offense towards his responses because I realize that we can, at times, be vastly different people with different opinions and understandings about how the world works. This is a given between males and females especially, as well as between any two human beings, but what's important is (always) how we deal with our differences.

   I expect that my husband will clarify what he means whenever I'm not understanding him, and he already does this for the most part. What I admire about his ability to do this is that he doesn't seem to take my apparent misunderstandings personally. I used to believe that his lack of immediate understanding of what I said meant that we were incompatible, and I'm grateful that he never seemed to go down that path in his own perception. Knowing that our communication styles and perspectives can simply be different is far less threatening than the idea of blatant incompatibility as a couple. I believe that if we jump to such conclusions without having seriously worked through our communicative differences, then we're taking the easy way out--and the pattern could easily repeat itself with the next person we meet.

   Learning how to have the kinds of conversations we have with those who just seem to 'get us' with those who don't seem to understand us can feel frustrating; however, I've come to realize that with enough effort, many of our conversations can begin to feel more satisfying. That sense of feeling heard and understood comes from our own ability to express what we mean in ways that others can clearly comprehend. If we happen to encounter a misinterpretation the first time, all we need to do is keep trying--without defensiveness--to make our intended connection. Sure, it might not be easy at first, but I can promise that it will get easier if done in a loving spirit.