Expressing Gratitude

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough."--Meister Eckhart

   Over the course of the past three years, I have been going through a major paradigm shift in my life. Nurturing my spiritual foundation with much needed Love, my perspective on what it truly means to be grateful has nevertheless shifted as well. 

   I've come to learn that gratitude has no real rules to follow--you don't necessarily have to send thank you notes to people for every single gift you receive to be grateful. You don't have to go to great lengths to show others how appreciative you are to be grateful. You don't even have to utter one word out loud to be grateful. (Though it might help others to hear the words "Thank you" on occasion). No, gratitude is less of an act and more of an attitude. A feeling. A sense. Knowledge. 

   I believe that when we are truly grateful, that gratitude will reflect in all aspects of life. We may find that we have more patience and time to share with loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers we meet out in public. Rather than rushing through our days, rarely stopping to notice what's going on around us, we might find that when we do allow ourselves to slow down to be in the present moment, a lightness of being there might follow. Giving ourselves permission to slow down and just be opens up opportunity for reflection on how grateful we are to be here--and maybe to be with others on a similar journey of experience together. 

   Gratitude has become a constant in my life, and though it undoubtedly takes time, effort, and consistency (like all worthwhile things in life do), I have found that holding it within for myself, as well as reflecting it to others whenever I can, is its own reward. Material objects seem to hold less value for me as they once did as I continue acknowledging and expressing gratitude everyday.

   There are other benefits as well. For instance, on days that I find myself less able to think about gratitude (for whatever reason), I try to think about all that I am still grateful for in my life. Even if it's just a small thing such as: "Well, I've got ice cream in the freezer", or bigger: "I have a sweet bird who knows how to whistle songs and make the day seem brighter when he does", to the even bigger: "Of course, I have a wonderful husband, friends, and family that I love very much and who love me." What you actually think about when you take this type of "gratitude inventory" is not as important as the fact that you're actively reaching within yourself for that feeling and knowledge of gratitude during times when you might have, instead, allowed yourself to sink into thoughts and feelings of negativity. 

   
   So, how does communication come into play for this blog entry? Well, I believe communication occurs not just between us but also within us. We have conversations with ourselves all the time! That little voice that speaks to us as our conscience tells us all kinds of things about what we "should" and "should not" do, we talk to ourselves in the form of thoughts whenever we're trying to make decisions, whenever we're experiencing emotions, worrying about something, planning the rest of our day, etc. The list goes on and on...So, while you're engaging in communication with yourself, it might be interesting and worthwhile to try discussing that which you're grateful for--then try expressing it to others. 

   
   For our first Christmas together as a married couple, I recall creating a "Gratitude Journal" for my husband. Each day (beginning around November--when I had the idea) I would reflect upon what I was thankful for about him and write it down as an entry. I decorated the entries with little symbols and pictures and tried to make it visually appealing, though obviously, the words of appreciation were most important. I spent the time leading up to that Christmas expressing gratitude to my husband, and even on those days when I wasn't necessarily feeling all that grateful (maybe we had a disagreement one day), I looked within myself to what it was about him that I always appreciated and wrote about that. It was never impossible to find something to be grateful for, as on one of those days of disagreement with him, I remember writing something along the lines of: "Even though we disagreed about______, I appreciate that we are able to talk about it and come to better understandings about each other." Gratitude is always under the surface of every situation if we just scratch hard enough. 

   
   I'm glad that I had the opportunity to share my thoughts with you today and that people will read this blog and learn something from it. This is what fuels me to keep writing and sharing. I'm grateful for the lessons and the knowledge that comes from the process. Thank you for reading. :-)

Deactivating Reactivity

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."--Carl Jung

   It's not surprising that the word "reactivity" can be applied to both chemistry and human interaction. Both can result in a large explosion if caution is not applied; thus, as Jung suggests, a transformation occurs. This transformation might become a turning point within the relationship, one of many 'explosions' that regularly occur within the relationship, or even an opportunity to learn from the experience. I try to choose the third option at this point in my life; however, I am a work in progress on this topic of reactivity.

   Following my previous blog about assumption with reactivity seems rather appropriate, as I often see the two inextricably linked in a vicious cycle of jumping to conclusions before knowing all the facts, then reacting to one's conclusions in a way that only amplifies the intensity of an increasingly negative situation.

   Case in point: my husband and I. We have been through the vicious cycle of assumption and reactivity more than I can count; however, we have frequently chosen to use our experiences in ways that help us learn more about each other rather than tear each other down. A recent example involved an argument about the order in which we planned to get necessary projects done on our house. I guess the definition of "necessary" also came into play here: we disagreed not only on the order of what should be done, but we also disagreed on what was necessary to do in the first place! As we're arguing back and forth about that, I was noticing myself becoming increasingly angry about something else that I had yet to bring up. I was reacting to even older assumptions about my husband that I had never fully confirmed before blowing up about them! You can see how my earlier blog about perception checking comes into play here--and how I need to keep taking my own advice.

   But communication is a two-way street. My husband had his own assumptions about me at work in our argument as well, though I will admit he is not as much of a "reactor" as I can be. Aside from learning that we needed to stop assuming and start perception checking, another lesson was making itself clear to me: I needed to deactivate my reactivity. The unnecessary kind--that can only lead to more anger and hurt feelings within relationships. Any reactivity pertaining to positive feelings (e.g. excitement, happiness, joy, etc.) is not being addressed here.

   Deactivating my reactivity essentially means that whenever I feel myself becoming angry about something someone else says or does, I need to take that as a sign that more work needs to be done. Have I clarified what the speaker meant by what they said (perception checked)?  

Example: (I'm engaging in a discussion with my husband about a technological issue--his area of expertise).

Husband:  "You don't understand..."

(These words usually ignite my urge to become reactive, as I perceive these words to be an insult to my intelligence, so when I give in to that urge I'll usually say something like, "Yes, I do! You don't understand what I'm saying..." Obviously that line of conversation gets us nowhere fast, and we might end up in an argument and/or in a negative space with each other.) Here's what I'll say once I deactivate my urge to react:

Me: "Do you mean that I don't understand the topic in general or is there something else that I'm missing here?" (Perception checking)

Husband: "You have to understand [insert history or other relevant facts about whatever technological thing we're discussing here] before you can make a definitive conclusion about [insert more techie language here]."

   I absolutely love my husband's intelligence on the topic of technology; however, it can also be a source of reactivity for me whenever I let my own insecurities about not understanding the subject as well as he does get in the way of effective communication. Obviously, the urge to overreact can go deeper into our own personal issues (insecurity, past experiences, etc.), which is why it can be critical to remember to perception check what others say whenever we sense those familiar reactivity feelings stirring within.

   Let's say a perception check yields further results that continue to keep reactivity building: maybe you've clarified what someone meant to say and it really was an insult. This would not necessarily happen unless the person was deliberately trying to hurt you or if you were in the middle of a heated argument. Nonetheless, for these situations, I recommend continuing to keep your own reactivity in check as much as possible. You could say one of the following to help deactivate an increasingly tense situation:

• "I realize that the anger might be speaking right now, so maybe we should take 5 or 10 minutes alone and cool off before we continue this conversation."
• "I hear that you're feeling angry with me right now. What do you need from me in this moment?" (If it's a reasonable request, try to reach resolution. If not, use your best judgment as to how you should proceed. Maybe time away from each other to cool off really is best.)
• "I know that you probably didn't mean what you just said about me, and I won't take it personally, but I would like to resolve this without letting anger get out of control."

   Yes, a lot of this might sound strange, foreign, or like therapist talk; however, it is merely my own suggestion for practicing deactivation of reactivity. You may find another way that works for you, though the important thing to remember is to keep practicing! Find a method that works, stick to it, and continue learning about what seems to make you react as well as ways that you can practice deactivating any unnecessary and negative reactivity.

   What do you have to lose?

My Case Against Assumption

"Never assume, for it makes an ASS out of U and ME."-- Anon.

   There's a good reason why that saying exists. I can recount multiple instances within my life where I assumed someone was thinking, feeling, or saying something that they actually never were. As far as I know, I do not have extrasensory perception (ESP) that allows me to read minds. I can only make educated guesses about what others are thinking, and I'm pretty sure most others only have educated guesses to fall back on as well. Let's all do ourselves a favor and turn the ESP off. [No offense to any "psychics" that may be reading].

   As I think back on times when someone assumed something of me that I felt was unjustified, these conversations usually included me yelling: "That's not what I said! Stop putting words in my mouth!" Sound familiar? If it does, maybe you also participated in similar conversations.

   Perhaps it's the mainstream American part of me talking, but I could absolutely, positively never stand it whenever someone assumed anything of me. How could anyone really know what I was thinking or feeling without coming right out and asking me? I realize that a lot of assumption stems from our nonverbal communication--how we say something (tone and volume of voice, facial expressions, body language, etc.) vs. the actual words we use. I also know that what we don't say can also land us in assumption territory.

   For instance: we might not have the opportunity to say "I love you" before hanging up a phone call with a significant other one day, potentially leading said significant other to wonder: "Is something wrong?", "Was someone else in the room? Who was it?", etc. Status of relationship, one's own level of self-esteem, and a multitude of other factors can also come into play during contexts of assumption. Before you know it, suspicions can snowball into accusations and beliefs that were never fully explored, and before you know it, you may find yourself in a frustrating argument (over one minor instance) that might have been prevented by simple questions. Because of this, I am pleading the following case today about assumption: STOP IT!!!

   Heed the saying at the beginning of this blog today: don't run the risk of making as "ass" of oneself or someone else. My case against assumption might rub some people the wrong way, especially those who prefer indirect methods of communication. I used to be one of you--and sometimes I still am--but I have learned many a hard way just how ineffective assuming things can be. Subtle hints and cues can be missed. Direct questions can be asked in clear, loving ways that should feel safe (and not like interrogations) within a healthy relationship.

   My dear, sweet, well-intentioned husband has also experienced the pain of making false assumptions about me (and I of him), leading to a recent "No Assumptions" policy being established in our home. Seriously.

   What we have put in assumption's place is the following: "If you're wondering what I'm thinking or feeling, ask me." and "Perception check if you're not sure what I just said". Perception checking occurs after someone had said something and you're not quite sure of its meaning, so you say, "So, what I'm hearing is [relay your perception of what was said back to the speaker]. Is that what you meant?" Trust me, although it seems like a lot of work in the beginning, the end result should be much more peaceful and harmonious compared to accusing a person of saying something that was far from the original intent. You're likely to end up in territory that leads to defensiveness, anger, etc. if you follow the assumption path.

   Communication is a complex, evolving process (especially within relationships), and I've found that it's just not worth the extra expended energy to assume things (potentially leading myself to experience unnecessarily triggered anxiety) when I could just own my feelings and thoughts about what was said and ask some questions and/or perception check to have my theories either confirmed or denied.

   To clarify, my case against assumption applies mainly to situations when one becomes confused or concerned about someone else. If you want to make someone happy, by planning a surprise party, for example, (hopefully after confirming that this person would actually enjoy having a surprise party in their honor), then by all means, go right ahead. My case is about respecting people's rights to their own thoughts, feelings, and words. If you believe you are close enough to someone to know that they'd like a surprise party, that's one thing. If you believe you are close enough to someone to believe that you can read their mind, that's another. Guess what? You're probably not. Just like no one can necessarily get inside your mind and tell you exactly what you're thinking. You are the only one that can tell the world what you're thinking and feeling. This is why we all have such an important responsibility to learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings to others in effective ways.

   This blog will be discussing any and all communication issues that people might be wondering about, as well as issues that have proven to be challenges and learning examples from my own life. I have a feeling the notion of assumption might be raised again--as we all perceive reality through our own unique lenses and filters. I'm here to lend my own knowledge and tools to the process.

Stay Close & Give Me Space...

"We are individual and social creatures. We need other people to survive, but we want to survive as individuals."--Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

    Relationships. Such a double-edged sword in my own experience. Coming from a Westernized American culture that seems to value independence first and community second, I found myself subscribing to this belief from a very early age. I was the child that preferred to play alone or with one (maybe two) other friends. You could easily find me off in a corner alone somewhere reading at home or at school during recess. Granted, I cherished my close friendships when I did open myself up to other people, but I always had a sense that I needed to maintain some level of distance in order to keep control...of...what? Myself? My sense of identity? My physical space? All of it, I believe.

   I have managed to be successful in relationships of all kinds despite my strong sense of independence, and I believe this achievement has been the result of my careful balancing act of getting close--but not too close. For most of my life, I recall being told to "Speak up more", "Don't be so shy", and the like. Sure, I tried to do those things at school (at home and among people I trusted, it was always easier). And probably some of my quiet demeanor came from self-consciousness and a lack of confidence at such a young age, but not all of it. I sensed that if I gave too much of myself I might be in over my head and fast, but of exactly what, I still couldn't point out and name.

   It wasn't until I came across work from Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., that clues to my life-long behavior began coming together to make sense and help me articulate what I believe has been going on for me (and most likely many other people out there who might feel the same). Tannen has devoted much of her work to studying human interaction and conversation from the point of view of a linguist. I have always found it interesting that her background gets into the more literal nuts and bolts of communication--how we use language to express ourselves--we're the same yet different in our studies. I did not learn a whole lot about the specific uses of language (outside of interpersonal communication) in my past college programs, so I have found her work immensely valuable in terms of bringing an entirely new insight into my own.

   When it comes to the issue of wanting to be part of a community while maintaining our sense of independence, Tannen explains that it's simply part of our human condition. Really, it's just part of being human! I cannot speak from the perspective of one who grew up in a collectivist society, as I did not, but learning this has enlightened me a bit with respect to my independent American culture. I actually felt a huge weight lifting when I read Tannen's words. So it's not just me! I' was never "strange", "weird", or 'too shy'. I finally felt free from the lingering guilt that always seemed to live under the surface of every solitary moment I craved for myself at the expense of potentially sharing it with another human being. That being said, I'm not advocating full-fledged hermit status here. I'm just helping grant permission to those out there seeking some balance in their lives to go ahead and take a bit of time here and there for yourself with no worries. Just remember that loved ones deserve some attention too.

   This post is a dedication to my husband, by the way. He was the one who encouraged me to start this blog. He is also one of those amazing individuals in my life who consistently puts up with my demands for staying close but not too close. Our relationship has had this theme running through it since 2008, when I prolonged our first date for almost a month, as we communicated primarily online or over the phone. He was patient as I tried to negotiate within myself how much time I would devote to our budding relationship. I was always astounded by how easily he seemed to give up his time for me, and I wondered why I was holding back. Sure, I was a busy student who also worked part-time. Sure, I had a lot going on in my life at that time. But I held fast to my balancing act, and I eventually succeeded in working with him to negotiate boundaries that worked for both of us. That's the key.

   I'll never forget how relieved I was when he eventually told me (maybe after a year or so into our relationship) about the first time he was looking forward to having some alone time at home after we had spent much of a weekend together. It was a glorious validation for me once again. So, it isn't just me! You want me to go away too--this is wonderful! Not the most romantic-sounding thing to say, but to me, it was music to my ears. I could let go of that lingering doubt and guilt again.

   So, the moral for today is this: remember that it's ok to be alone and it's ok not to be alone. Find a balance that works for you. Be willing to compromise as you negotiate your needs with those of your loved ones. And don't let guilt lead you to doubt your own needs. Balance is key.