My Case Against Assumption

"Never assume, for it makes an ASS out of U and ME."-- Anon.

   There's a good reason why that saying exists. I can recount multiple instances within my life where I assumed someone was thinking, feeling, or saying something that they actually never were. As far as I know, I do not have extrasensory perception (ESP) that allows me to read minds. I can only make educated guesses about what others are thinking, and I'm pretty sure most others only have educated guesses to fall back on as well. Let's all do ourselves a favor and turn the ESP off. [No offense to any "psychics" that may be reading].

   As I think back on times when someone assumed something of me that I felt was unjustified, these conversations usually included me yelling: "That's not what I said! Stop putting words in my mouth!" Sound familiar? If it does, maybe you also participated in similar conversations.

   Perhaps it's the mainstream American part of me talking, but I could absolutely, positively never stand it whenever someone assumed anything of me. How could anyone really know what I was thinking or feeling without coming right out and asking me? I realize that a lot of assumption stems from our nonverbal communication--how we say something (tone and volume of voice, facial expressions, body language, etc.) vs. the actual words we use. I also know that what we don't say can also land us in assumption territory.

   For instance: we might not have the opportunity to say "I love you" before hanging up a phone call with a significant other one day, potentially leading said significant other to wonder: "Is something wrong?", "Was someone else in the room? Who was it?", etc. Status of relationship, one's own level of self-esteem, and a multitude of other factors can also come into play during contexts of assumption. Before you know it, suspicions can snowball into accusations and beliefs that were never fully explored, and before you know it, you may find yourself in a frustrating argument (over one minor instance) that might have been prevented by simple questions. Because of this, I am pleading the following case today about assumption: STOP IT!!!

   Heed the saying at the beginning of this blog today: don't run the risk of making as "ass" of oneself or someone else. My case against assumption might rub some people the wrong way, especially those who prefer indirect methods of communication. I used to be one of you--and sometimes I still am--but I have learned many a hard way just how ineffective assuming things can be. Subtle hints and cues can be missed. Direct questions can be asked in clear, loving ways that should feel safe (and not like interrogations) within a healthy relationship.

   My dear, sweet, well-intentioned husband has also experienced the pain of making false assumptions about me (and I of him), leading to a recent "No Assumptions" policy being established in our home. Seriously.

   What we have put in assumption's place is the following: "If you're wondering what I'm thinking or feeling, ask me." and "Perception check if you're not sure what I just said". Perception checking occurs after someone had said something and you're not quite sure of its meaning, so you say, "So, what I'm hearing is [relay your perception of what was said back to the speaker]. Is that what you meant?" Trust me, although it seems like a lot of work in the beginning, the end result should be much more peaceful and harmonious compared to accusing a person of saying something that was far from the original intent. You're likely to end up in territory that leads to defensiveness, anger, etc. if you follow the assumption path.

   Communication is a complex, evolving process (especially within relationships), and I've found that it's just not worth the extra expended energy to assume things (potentially leading myself to experience unnecessarily triggered anxiety) when I could just own my feelings and thoughts about what was said and ask some questions and/or perception check to have my theories either confirmed or denied.

   To clarify, my case against assumption applies mainly to situations when one becomes confused or concerned about someone else. If you want to make someone happy, by planning a surprise party, for example, (hopefully after confirming that this person would actually enjoy having a surprise party in their honor), then by all means, go right ahead. My case is about respecting people's rights to their own thoughts, feelings, and words. If you believe you are close enough to someone to know that they'd like a surprise party, that's one thing. If you believe you are close enough to someone to believe that you can read their mind, that's another. Guess what? You're probably not. Just like no one can necessarily get inside your mind and tell you exactly what you're thinking. You are the only one that can tell the world what you're thinking and feeling. This is why we all have such an important responsibility to learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings to others in effective ways.

   This blog will be discussing any and all communication issues that people might be wondering about, as well as issues that have proven to be challenges and learning examples from my own life. I have a feeling the notion of assumption might be raised again--as we all perceive reality through our own unique lenses and filters. I'm here to lend my own knowledge and tools to the process.