Deactivating Reactivity

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."--Carl Jung

   It's not surprising that the word "reactivity" can be applied to both chemistry and human interaction. Both can result in a large explosion if caution is not applied; thus, as Jung suggests, a transformation occurs. This transformation might become a turning point within the relationship, one of many 'explosions' that regularly occur within the relationship, or even an opportunity to learn from the experience. I try to choose the third option at this point in my life; however, I am a work in progress on this topic of reactivity.

   Following my previous blog about assumption with reactivity seems rather appropriate, as I often see the two inextricably linked in a vicious cycle of jumping to conclusions before knowing all the facts, then reacting to one's conclusions in a way that only amplifies the intensity of an increasingly negative situation.

   Case in point: my husband and I. We have been through the vicious cycle of assumption and reactivity more than I can count; however, we have frequently chosen to use our experiences in ways that help us learn more about each other rather than tear each other down. A recent example involved an argument about the order in which we planned to get necessary projects done on our house. I guess the definition of "necessary" also came into play here: we disagreed not only on the order of what should be done, but we also disagreed on what was necessary to do in the first place! As we're arguing back and forth about that, I was noticing myself becoming increasingly angry about something else that I had yet to bring up. I was reacting to even older assumptions about my husband that I had never fully confirmed before blowing up about them! You can see how my earlier blog about perception checking comes into play here--and how I need to keep taking my own advice.

   But communication is a two-way street. My husband had his own assumptions about me at work in our argument as well, though I will admit he is not as much of a "reactor" as I can be. Aside from learning that we needed to stop assuming and start perception checking, another lesson was making itself clear to me: I needed to deactivate my reactivity. The unnecessary kind--that can only lead to more anger and hurt feelings within relationships. Any reactivity pertaining to positive feelings (e.g. excitement, happiness, joy, etc.) is not being addressed here.

   Deactivating my reactivity essentially means that whenever I feel myself becoming angry about something someone else says or does, I need to take that as a sign that more work needs to be done. Have I clarified what the speaker meant by what they said (perception checked)?  

Example: (I'm engaging in a discussion with my husband about a technological issue--his area of expertise).

Husband:  "You don't understand..."

(These words usually ignite my urge to become reactive, as I perceive these words to be an insult to my intelligence, so when I give in to that urge I'll usually say something like, "Yes, I do! You don't understand what I'm saying..." Obviously that line of conversation gets us nowhere fast, and we might end up in an argument and/or in a negative space with each other.) Here's what I'll say once I deactivate my urge to react:

Me: "Do you mean that I don't understand the topic in general or is there something else that I'm missing here?" (Perception checking)

Husband: "You have to understand [insert history or other relevant facts about whatever technological thing we're discussing here] before you can make a definitive conclusion about [insert more techie language here]."

   I absolutely love my husband's intelligence on the topic of technology; however, it can also be a source of reactivity for me whenever I let my own insecurities about not understanding the subject as well as he does get in the way of effective communication. Obviously, the urge to overreact can go deeper into our own personal issues (insecurity, past experiences, etc.), which is why it can be critical to remember to perception check what others say whenever we sense those familiar reactivity feelings stirring within.

   Let's say a perception check yields further results that continue to keep reactivity building: maybe you've clarified what someone meant to say and it really was an insult. This would not necessarily happen unless the person was deliberately trying to hurt you or if you were in the middle of a heated argument. Nonetheless, for these situations, I recommend continuing to keep your own reactivity in check as much as possible. You could say one of the following to help deactivate an increasingly tense situation:

• "I realize that the anger might be speaking right now, so maybe we should take 5 or 10 minutes alone and cool off before we continue this conversation."
• "I hear that you're feeling angry with me right now. What do you need from me in this moment?" (If it's a reasonable request, try to reach resolution. If not, use your best judgment as to how you should proceed. Maybe time away from each other to cool off really is best.)
• "I know that you probably didn't mean what you just said about me, and I won't take it personally, but I would like to resolve this without letting anger get out of control."

   Yes, a lot of this might sound strange, foreign, or like therapist talk; however, it is merely my own suggestion for practicing deactivation of reactivity. You may find another way that works for you, though the important thing to remember is to keep practicing! Find a method that works, stick to it, and continue learning about what seems to make you react as well as ways that you can practice deactivating any unnecessary and negative reactivity.

   What do you have to lose?