Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Never Too Busy To Communicate


"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice."--John Cassis

    I have (unfortunately) often encountered people in various social, academic, and professional situations that seem to communicate at a bare minimum. It tends to leave me feeling baffled, frustrated, and (in certain cases) hurt. It's as if the act of communicating is such a monumental task to these folks, and it takes them an unbearable and unacceptable amount of time, so they refuse to do it. I'm left to wonder in these situations what could possibly be more important than treating others with courtesy--like human beings.

   I understand that I hold a very large bias when it comes to issues of communication (obviously). I value it highly when so many others appear to take it for granted. Some people may not even realize how daily communicative habits and behaviors can affect their relationships and their lives in general. When I get to thinking this way, I usually remember that this is why I'm here. This is why I started this blog in the first place--to apply my education, training, and experience to helping others who are interested in becoming aware of some of their own communication behaviors and to help them change what no longer works into something that does.

   Here's the point where I confess that I have begun behaving in ways I was complaining about in the beginning of this post. It's no secret to me that it's been a good 2 or so months since my last posting. Though I wasn't writing, I was thinking of my blog often. Shortly after writing my last post, I started a new job in the education field. Though my personal business (Communication Counseling) remains open, I have been primarily focused on my new job--getting settled, learning what is required of me, becoming used to new routines, and everything else that comes with new jobs. Everything has thus far worked out pretty well...up until I began noticing how I was neglecting my other work--my own work here on my blog. I felt pretty guilty and torn about it for a bit. I started thinking, "Who am I to act as if my job is somehow more important than maintaining the work I have created from a field I hold so dear and value so highly?" True, I need to focus on my job, but I also need to become better at time management so I can avoid ignoring my blog too. It's a work in progress just like everything else in my life, really. Anyway, when I began noticing myself becoming what I do not like and have little patience for in others--a minimal communicator--I had to finally do something about it...and here I am today. I can't say that I'll become perfectly able to avoid putting off writing in my blog in the future, but I can say that I'm aware of the issue and I will put more effort into doing better.

   You see, it's completely OK to be busy and temporarily put things off. It's OK to take care of yourself first if that's what you need to do. But, when that little voice in your head starts telling you, "Enough's enough! You need to get back to your other responsibilities and you know it", that's supposed to be the part where you heed it. You will not be able to successfully quiet that voice (your conscience) until you do.

   Turning back to the idea of minimal communication, for these past couple of months, I had begun noticing more and more evidence of people behaving as if they were too busy to properly communicate, and I started noticing the negative effect it was having all around--not just on myself, but on others and the communicative environment in general. Negative behavior begets negative behavior, it seems, so I have begun trying to break the cycles that I notice around me--and you can as well.

   For instance, people need context--a way to understand where you're coming from and what you mean when you make a request, observation, comment, or ask a question. Until the day we are all telepathic and can read each others' minds, we will need context to understand each other effectively. My advice in the meantime is to do the best you can when communicating to avoid assuming that everyone around you already knows exactly what you're referring to before you say it. This goes back to assuming in general--just don't do it! If you truly don't have the opportunity in the moment to properly explain something, make a note of this to the person you're communicating with and be open to receiving questions.

   For example, at work, you could say the following in this situation: "I need you to help me with completing a project (or task), but I don't have time right now to fully explain what's involved. Let's please set aside some time later to discuss details." You could then either ask what time works for the other person or be willing to field follow-up questions from that person. All in all, it really doesn't take a whole lot of time to ask for more time. Ironically, people end up wasting a lot of time they claim they don't have by trying to request things from others after providing little to no context. All the confused back-and-forth conversations and emails that result from those situations never cease to boggle my mind. If you take the proper time at the very beginning to state your needs, you will eliminate a lot of issues and wasted time in the long run. By doing so, you're showing respect for others and yourself, and it goes a long way towards overall productivity and morale on the job.

   At home and in social situations, the same rules apply: when talking to friends or family, always let them know if you happen to be too busy in the moment to give them the context or attention they deserve. Aside from applying the same type of example discussed in the previous work scenario, other situations may arise. For instance, if someone is speaking to you and you're not really listening and processing what they're saying (but pretending to), rather than going on with a charade that will inevitably be revealed and potentially create hurt feelings; instead, say: "I'm sorry, but I'm distracted by (fill in the blank) right now. Would it be alright if we continue this conversation in half an hour?" Obviously, specific circumstances will vary; however, by making such a request in the first place, you're also telling these people that you value their time and your own. You're stating your needs (always a good thing) and attempting to respect theirs as well. It can be a win-win situation for all involved. But maybe certain people will ask that you not postpone some conversations until later times. Sometimes it's best in these situations to respect the needs of those who are stating them by asking that you stop whatever it is you're doing and tend to the moment at hand. Either way, you want to gauge what's more important in each circumstance, and more often than not, it's the relationships with your friends and family that will win out over completing tasks.

   Remember that no one is ever too busy to communicate. Like everything else worth doing, it takes practice to give up old habits (like assumption and avoidance) and begin behaving in a more mindful way. I only see positive effects and results whenever I apply these communicative tools in my own life, and I hope it brings you wonderful results as well.