Negotiating Boundaries

"The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves."--Robert Burney

   We're approaching that time of year again: the holiday season. With it, there tends to come many expectations and obligations--from others as well as from ourselves. Never knowing exactly what will be happening in my life and those of my family and friends this time of year; I usually play holiday plans by ear. Sometimes, I make plans well in advance. Either way, I usually encounter situations that test my personal boundaries. What are these boundaries?

   My boundaries are the limits to which I'm willing to extend my time and attention to others and to myself during any period of time. My boundaries go both ways: I may stop people and situations from coming into my life at a certain time, as well as allow other people and situations in. My boundaries are flexible at times and rigid at others. My boundaries can shift, transform, and change at any time, as they are always in a state of evolution. My boundaries--just like everything else about me--are a work in progress.

   Negotiating boundaries are an important aspect of communication because the process of doing so enables people to get in touch with their own needs and express them to others. It is usually best to explain one's boundaries in the form of feelings and/or needs and offer future options and suggestions. For instance, "I feel that this time won't work out for me. Can we reschedule another time to spend together?" or "I need to take care of some things this weekend. Can we get together next weekend?" are two ways in which one might negotiate a particular boundary involving spending time with someone in the near future.

   When it comes to negotiating boundaries with family and friends during the holidays, the same boundary negotiation examples expressed above might apply or not. It can be difficult for people to say no to loved ones--especially when there is fear of potential hurt feelings involved. The best way that I have found to deal with these situations is to be open and honest. If you're not up to traveling for a particular holiday, then say so. You can offer options that work for you, such as hosting people in your home instead or rescheduling a visit for a later time. If you can travel and want to stay at a hotel instead of in a loved one's home, then make sure to express your appreciation for your potential host's offer before stating your needs and feelings. For example, "I sincerely appreciate your kindness and generosity in offering your home to me. Right now, I need some extra quiet time and space, and I feel like a hotel would be more appropriate. This has everything to do with me [or this is my issue], so please don't take it personally." Obviously, we cannot control how others will respond to what we say, but we can take courage and comfort in the fact that we were honest and true to ourselves and our boundaries. We can continue to treat our loved ones with love and respect despite having differing needs and feelings, and my hope is that they will respond in kind.

   A therapist once gave me an interesting and useful way to think of boundary setting. She provided the following example: "I'm not saying no to you. I'm saying yes to me." I found her words enlightening because I do not believe that boundary setting is a form of selfishness--as some might presume it to be. I think of it as being present to what's going on within us: What do we want? What do we need? What do we feel...in this moment? What will we want, need or feel in the future? Of course, the present moment is all we really have, yet I do not see the harm in doing some preventive maintenance too. Most importantly, however, is the need to make your boundaries clear to yourself so you can clearly express them to others. Avoid the potential temptation towards vagueness and obscurity in your boundary setting, and resist the urge to put off making decisions. No one really likes to be left hanging. Treat yourself with patience, love, and kindness as you navigate your needs and feelings when determining how best to set your boundaries. It might take some practice, but eventually the process will become much easier.

   I wish you all the best in your journey towards strengthening and negotiating your boundaries.