Update

As you can see, I'm still working on this affirmation process. I'm hoping to have my next posting up soon. Thank you for staying tuned...

Changing Habits

“The only proper way to eliminate bad habits is to replace them with good ones.” - Jerome Hines

   You may have noticed that the name of this blog has changed slightly. This is because I’m finding myself going in a different direction with the topics I plan to write about. While the main focus of this blog will still focus on interpersonal communication, I’m opening it up a bit to include the just as important self-talk that we all engage in on a regular basis: the ongoing conversations we tend to have with ourselves through our thoughts. I’ve been wanting to bring self-talk officially into the mix, so I’ve decided to pursue it and see where it takes me—or rather, where it takes all of us: myself as well as the readers of this blog. Feel free to leave your feedback in the comments section and let me know what you think.

   So, keeping in the spirit of this blog entry’s theme of change, I’ll now write about some personal habits of mine that I’d really like to change. I’ve recently become much more aware of the habits I’ve developed over the years than I’ve ever been. Just this past week, I had a stark realization that I
have been following patterns of behavior throughout the course of my life that really haven’t helped me move forward in certain respects. This realization hit me a bit hard because I’m very dedicated to developing effective and successful habits when it comes to my field of study and what I do for a living (communication and counseling). However, in terms of maintaining my home (maintenance, cleaning, and all that busywork that keeps the system running), I’ve followed a lifetime habit of storing it away and telling myself, “I’ll do it later”. Sadly, I’ve done it with my blog and other things that mean a lot to me too.

   So I tell myself, “I’ll do it later”. Later. When exactly is “later” anyway? During the past six months of working in post-secondary adult education, I’ve had the wonderful opportunity of learning the curriculum that we teach to our incoming students relating to succeeding in college and their future careers. We emphasize positive thought management as a means of being aware of how thinking influences behavior: whatever you tell yourself and think about essentially leads you into your future. So, if you know that you’re capable of doing well, you will ultimately do those things well. It really can be that simple in most cases, but you have to do the work to get there. Issues such as drive, motivation, and desire to succeed play critical roles.

   Going back to the realization I had about my habits: when it comes to my work and other areas of my life, I hold strong beliefs that I am completely capable of success; consequently, I’ve developed habits leaning towards success that help me accomplish what I set out to accomplish. The trouble is that those beliefs don’t seem to stretch into other domains of my existence—the stuff I discussed at the beginning of this entry: regular maintenance of my home and blog—things that are easy to procrastinate with when I work full-time and feel like I don’t have the energy or extra time to devote to them. Obviously, I can’t procrastinate forever—something always gives inside me and I eventually buckle down and do what needs to be done. See, I really am capable whenever I set my mind to something. We all are.

   So, in order to develop effective and successful habits, one must first have a goal in mind that one wants to achieve. In my case, I could say, “I want to devote more attention to my housework and blog”, but there’s already a problem with my goal—it’s not quite specific enough. What does “more” mean? An extra hour or two a week? A day? What? Let’s revise the first sentence of this paragraph: To develop effective and successful habits, one must first have a clear and specific goal in mind that
one wants to achieve. Now, I could say, “I want to devote at least a half hour a day to my housework—doesn’t matter what I do just as long as I clean something that needs to be cleaned—and two to three hours a month (at minimum) to my blog”. There. Now I just need to follow the goals I’ve set down and everything will get done, right? Well, almost…

   Beliefs about one’s self-efficacy are important to be aware of whenever goals are set to change one’s habits. I could have every good intention in the world to change myself; however, if I don’t see myself as a person that devotes regular time and attention to doing so, then all bets are off and I’ll most likely fail in my endeavors. This is part of the reason why many people will set New Year’s resolutions on December 31st or January 1st and forget about them after one or two weeks: because even though they’ve imagined themselves behaving differently, they haven’t yet changed how they actually believe themselves to be on the inside.

   So how does one go about changing self-beliefs? One way of approaching this (and the way I’ll be trying) is through developing affirmations about myself and seeing myself as if I’m already the person I aspire to be. I can say to myself, “I keep a regularly maintained household and blog” and “I used to have problems keeping up with my housework and blog, but I don’t do that anymore”. Sure, it might sound a bit simplistic, but if I say these affirmations to myself everyday and then I don’t follow through, I’ll start to feel like a hypocrite—and I hate hypocrisy! For me, it will feel too odd to talk about myself in a manner that’s blatantly false, so I have to start making my affirmations come true. My behavior will begin to match my beliefs, as it should.

   I suppose a way out of the whole thing would be to stop saying my affirmations or decide to give myself a break whenever I fall back into the habits I’m seeking to change, but that would certainly be
counterproductive. This affirmation system may or may not work well for me, but it’s worth a try. If I begin to believe that I’m the type of person that has the capability to achieve the (clear and specific) goals that I set for myself, then maybe—just maybe—I might actually begin achieving them and changing my habits in the process. It may not end up being an easy thing to do, and it may take a few tries before I get the hang of it, but I’ll let you know how it goes either way. And maybe you’ll once again see me posting fairly regularly each month. ☺

Update

Just wanted to let readers know that I've needed to take a brief hiatus until I can focus more time and energy on giving this blog the attention it deserves. I'm hoping I can get back to posting monthly by April or May. Thank you for your continued patience. :-)

--Renee

Never Too Busy To Communicate

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice."--John Cassis

    I have (unfortunately) often encountered people in various social, academic, and professional situations that seem to communicate at a bare minimum. It tends to leave me feeling baffled, frustrated, and (in certain cases) hurt. It's as if the act of communicating is such a monumental task to these folks, and it takes them an unbearable and unacceptable amount of time, so they refuse to do it. I'm left to wonder in these situations what could possibly be more important than treating others with courtesy--like human beings.

   I understand that I hold a very large bias when it comes to issues of communication (obviously). I value it highly when so many others appear to take it for granted. Some people may not even realize how daily communicative habits and behaviors can affect their relationships and their lives in general. When I get to thinking this way, I usually remember that this is why I'm here. This is why I started this blog in the first place--to apply my education, training, and experience to helping others who are interested in becoming aware of some of their own communication behaviors and to help them change what no longer works into something that does.

   Here's the point where I confess that I have begun behaving in ways I was complaining about in the beginning of this post. It's no secret to me that it's been a good 2 or so months since my last posting. Though I wasn't writing, I was thinking of my blog often. Shortly after writing my last post, I started a new job in the education field. Though my personal business (Communication Counseling) remains open, I have been primarily focused on my new job--getting settled, learning what is required of me, becoming used to new routines, and everything else that comes with new jobs. Everything has thus far worked out pretty well...up until I began noticing how I was neglecting my other work--my own work here on my blog. I felt pretty guilty and torn about it for a bit. I started thinking, "Who am I to act as if my job is somehow more important than maintaining the work I have created from a field I hold so dear and value so highly?" True, I need to focus on my job, but I also need to become better at time management so I can avoid ignoring my blog too. It's a work in progress just like everything else in my life, really. Anyway, when I began noticing myself becoming what I do not like and have little patience for in others--a minimal communicator--I had to finally do something about it...and here I am today. I can't say that I'll become perfectly able to avoid putting off writing in my blog in the future, but I can say that I'm aware of the issue and I will put more effort into doing better.

   You see, it's completely OK to be busy and temporarily put things off. It's OK to take care of yourself first if that's what you need to do. But, when that little voice in your head starts telling you, "Enough's enough! You need to get back to your other responsibilities and you know it", that's supposed to be the part where you heed it. You will not be able to successfully quiet that voice (your conscience) until you do.

   Turning back to the idea of minimal communication, for these past couple of months, I had begun noticing more and more evidence of people behaving as if they were too busy to properly communicate, and I started noticing the negative effect it was having all around--not just on myself, but on others and the communicative environment in general. Negative behavior begets negative behavior, it seems, so I have begun trying to break the cycles that I notice around me--and you can as well.

   For instance, people need context--a way to understand where you're coming from and what you mean when you make a request, observation, comment, or ask a question. Until the day we are all telepathic and can read each others' minds, we will need context to understand each other effectively. My advice in the meantime is to do the best you can when communicating to avoid assuming that everyone around you already knows exactly what you're referring to before you say it. This goes back to assuming in general--just don't do it! If you truly don't have the opportunity in the moment to properly explain something, make a note of this to the person you're communicating with and be open to receiving questions.

   For example, at work, you could say the following in this situation: "I need you to help me with completing a project (or task), but I don't have time right now to fully explain what's involved. Let's please set aside some time later to discuss details." You could then either ask what time works for the other person or be willing to field follow-up questions from that person. All in all, it really doesn't take a whole lot of time to ask for more time. Ironically, people end up wasting a lot of time they claim they don't have by trying to request things from others after providing little to no context. All the confused back-and-forth conversations and emails that result from those situations never cease to boggle my mind. If you take the proper time at the very beginning to state your needs, you will eliminate a lot of issues and wasted time in the long run. By doing so, you're showing respect for others and yourself, and it goes a long way towards overall productivity and morale on the job.

   At home and in social situations, the same rules apply: when talking to friends or family, always let them know if you happen to be too busy in the moment to give them the context or attention they deserve. Aside from applying the same type of example discussed in the previous work scenario, other situations may arise. For instance, if someone is speaking to you and you're not really listening and processing what they're saying (but pretending to), rather than going on with a charade that will inevitably be revealed and potentially create hurt feelings; instead, say: "I'm sorry, but I'm distracted by (fill in the blank) right now. Would it be alright if we continue this conversation in half an hour?" Obviously, specific circumstances will vary; however, by making such a request in the first place, you're also telling these people that you value their time and your own. You're stating your needs (always a good thing) and attempting to respect theirs as well. It can be a win-win situation for all involved. But maybe certain people will ask that you not postpone some conversations until later times. Sometimes it's best in these situations to respect the needs of those who are stating them by asking that you stop whatever it is you're doing and tend to the moment at hand. Either way, you want to gauge what's more important in each circumstance, and more often than not, it's the relationships with your friends and family that will win out over completing tasks.

   Remember that no one is ever too busy to communicate. Like everything else worth doing, it takes practice to give up old habits (like assumption and avoidance) and begin behaving in a more mindful way. I only see positive effects and results whenever I apply these communicative tools in my own life, and I hope it brings you wonderful results as well.

Negotiating Boundaries

"The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves."--Robert Burney

   We're approaching that time of year again: the holiday season. With it, there tends to come many expectations and obligations--from others as well as from ourselves. Never knowing exactly what will be happening in my life and those of my family and friends this time of year; I usually play holiday plans by ear. Sometimes, I make plans well in advance. Either way, I usually encounter situations that test my personal boundaries. What are these boundaries?

   My boundaries are the limits to which I'm willing to extend my time and attention to others and to myself during any period of time. My boundaries go both ways: I may stop people and situations from coming into my life at a certain time, as well as allow other people and situations in. My boundaries are flexible at times and rigid at others. My boundaries can shift, transform, and change at any time, as they are always in a state of evolution. My boundaries--just like everything else about me--are a work in progress.

   Negotiating boundaries are an important aspect of communication because the process of doing so enables people to get in touch with their own needs and express them to others. It is usually best to explain one's boundaries in the form of feelings and/or needs and offer future options and suggestions. For instance, "I feel that this time won't work out for me. Can we reschedule another time to spend together?" or "I need to take care of some things this weekend. Can we get together next weekend?" are two ways in which one might negotiate a particular boundary involving spending time with someone in the near future.

   When it comes to negotiating boundaries with family and friends during the holidays, the same boundary negotiation examples expressed above might apply or not. It can be difficult for people to say no to loved ones--especially when there is fear of potential hurt feelings involved. The best way that I have found to deal with these situations is to be open and honest. If you're not up to traveling for a particular holiday, then say so. You can offer options that work for you, such as hosting people in your home instead or rescheduling a visit for a later time. If you can travel and want to stay at a hotel instead of in a loved one's home, then make sure to express your appreciation for your potential host's offer before stating your needs and feelings. For example, "I sincerely appreciate your kindness and generosity in offering your home to me. Right now, I need some extra quiet time and space, and I feel like a hotel would be more appropriate. This has everything to do with me [or this is my issue], so please don't take it personally." Obviously, we cannot control how others will respond to what we say, but we can take courage and comfort in the fact that we were honest and true to ourselves and our boundaries. We can continue to treat our loved ones with love and respect despite having differing needs and feelings, and my hope is that they will respond in kind.

   A therapist once gave me an interesting and useful way to think of boundary setting. She provided the following example: "I'm not saying no to you. I'm saying yes to me." I found her words enlightening because I do not believe that boundary setting is a form of selfishness--as some might presume it to be. I think of it as being present to what's going on within us: What do we want? What do we need? What do we feel...in this moment? What will we want, need or feel in the future? Of course, the present moment is all we really have, yet I do not see the harm in doing some preventive maintenance too. Most importantly, however, is the need to make your boundaries clear to yourself so you can clearly express them to others. Avoid the potential temptation towards vagueness and obscurity in your boundary setting, and resist the urge to put off making decisions. No one really likes to be left hanging. Treat yourself with patience, love, and kindness as you navigate your needs and feelings when determining how best to set your boundaries. It might take some practice, but eventually the process will become much easier.

   I wish you all the best in your journey towards strengthening and negotiating your boundaries.

Acknowledging Self in "Other"

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe."--John Muir

"I am a part of all that I have met."--Alfred Tennyson

    The notion that we are all connected is far from new to me; however, I find that I can easily forget this fact whenever I become angry, afraid, sad, or frustrated by whatever might be going on in my life at any given moment. Within these painful lapses of my greater, stronger, more rational self, I begin to feel like a deserted island--where no one can reach me or help me, let alone help me heal. I become hyper-focused on myself: MY situation, MY problems, ME, ME, ME!!! Not to say that taking care of oneself is in and of itself wrong or a bad thing. It's only when I become so wrapped up in my own fears and struggles that I become blinded to anything else that it becomes an issue. At that point, not only do I forget that I am part of a vast connection of humanity that can help me if I merely ask, but, more importantly, I forget that as a part of this human network, I am still quite capable of helping others when they ask.

   Once I remember (and truly acknowledge) that I'm never in anything completely alone, I usually calm down enough to tune back into my more rational thought and begin to take the hyper-focus off of myself and begin focusing on what I can do to help others. The reason I do this is not to ignore myself, but, rather, to take a much-needed break of worrying about myself and put my attention in a more productive space. I find that the act of doing this helps bring me back to feeling a sense of value and purpose. For me, fear epitomizes the feeling of a complete lack of worth and purpose, so remembering my place as a part of the human community reminds me that I do not have to be afraid. I do not have to see the world as a place full of unknown "others"; instead, I can acknowledge the part of myself in all of these 'others': the common humanity, cares, needs, feelings, and hopes that we all share. That brings me wholly back to where I believe I'm meant to be.

   When we think good thoughts, speak words of encouragement, and reach out to others in loving ways, we not only help them, but we also help ourselves. Many reading may already know this, and I'm grateful for that, but it's the consistent remembering and practicing that counts. Too often I know things and don't act upon them, and I'm doing a better job these days of applying what I know to practice. So far, it's been a great healing experience. I invite you to participate too! :-)     

Communication as a Bridge to Understanding

"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."--Tony Robbins

   I was recently given a wonderful opportunity to guest post on my longtime, good friend's blog. She wanted me to discuss the communicative aspects of eating disorder recovery, and I found that what I ended up writing could easily pertain to any type of recovery. I have modified the original posting a bit for the purposes of my blog, and, with my friend Jenn's permission, I am re-posting my guest blog below:

When Jenn asked me if I wanted to write a guest post on her blog, the first thought that came to my mind was, “I’m honored to be asked, but…I have no experience with eating disorders”. After seeking some ideas from Jenn about the direction in which I could potentially take my guest blog, she quickly reminded me of our days together in high school. I was (and still am) one of Jenn’s good friends that never gave up on her when she had trouble talking about what she was going through. I remained open and willing to listen whenever Jenn needed a friendly ear—or if she just needed someone to walk next to her in silence—keeping that love and openness always at the ready.

Today, I still value the power of what being loving, open, and willing to listen can do for those who might have trouble communicating the struggles they are going through. I own a business dedicated to helping people learn how to strengthen their communication skills & relationships, manage conflict, create positive and peaceful home & work environments, and anything else related to interpersonal communication that clients are seeking to utilize in their lives. I understand what can happen when communication between people becomes ineffective and/or nonexistent, and I try to help people bridge the communication gaps between each other as a means of understanding, as well as building stronger, more loving relationships.

In terms of recovery, Jenn has made it very clear in her blog that open and honest communication has been critical to her journey towards recovering from an eating disorder, and I wholeheartedly agree. I believe that the lines of communication must not only be open between the person in recovery and helping professionals, family, friends, etc. I also believe that the person in recovery must be able to communicate with oneself: to be able to look within and seek whatever it is that she (or he) wants from recovery. Doing this undoubtedly involves also asking oneself what the eating disorder was truly providing in the first place (power, control, attention, escape, etc.). This is my opinion, and my intent is only to shed a bit more light on the situation from a communicative perspective—not to diagnose or advise on ED recovery, as that is not my area of expertise.

Speaking from the perspective of a friend to someone going through the recovery process, I find it important never to make any judgments about what it is like to live and deal with an eating disorder, drug addiction, or any issue from which people seek to recover. I approach everyone I counsel with the same nonjudgmental stance. I remember doing my best to support Jenn back in high school—being her friend no matter what was going on. Knowing something was wrong but waiting for Jenn to reveal it to me in her own time was difficult. I trusted that, as long as she continued to make it to school each day that she was still making an effort to be around others and to keep herself alive. Of course, she eventually told me what was going on. I didn’t jump to immediate conclusions or rush to judgment, and I believe that Jenn appreciated that.

              

            I relied on Jenn to keep me updated on her experience once I knew (and I tried my best to keep looking out for her in my own way). She wrote me notes and letters when she couldn’t say the words out loud. We kept regular communication going, and I’m guessing it was a bit therapeutic for Jenn to write her thoughts and feelings down. Perhaps this “therapy” continues as she writes her blog today—I hope so.

             

            Eventually, our communication subsided as we graduated from high school and went our separate ways in life. In the age before Facebook, staying in touch took much more effort. I remember thinking of Jenn a lot, as I navigated college and my adult life; however, I didn’t know how much the eating disorder issues progressed in her life until years later when we reconnected. I wish we had kept our lines of communication open; however, I'm grateful that we have reestablished them over the past few years. While I do not believe that I ever had the power to force Jenn to recover (only Jenn could do that), I like to think that all the listening and sharing that comprised our teen friendship helped her to keep moving forward at the time.

Today, I tend to think of eating disorders (and all mental & physical conditions) differently than I did in the past. Although my graduate school counseling training did not include instruction on how to treat people with EDs (in the state of CA it requires additional specialized training), I have learned that what we think of ourselves is largely influenced by outside sources (family, friends, culture, media, etc.). In more recent years, I have also learned how to see myself in a less materialistic and more spiritual light. My goal when helping people work through a situation in which they believe themselves to be “defective”, “disordered”, or “broken” is to remind them that their spirit cannot be any of those things. I also remind them that they do not necessarily have to identify with a disorder or disease in order to help their bodies and minds heal. This usually involves changing language and externalizing the issue: for example, rather than saying “my bulimia” or “I have depression”, I encourage people to change their talk to “the bulimia” or “I’m battling depressive thoughts”. This has proven helpful for me in dealing with my own issues, as well as for other friends of mine. I provide it here only as an example of another way to look at one’s circumstances.

As a communication counselor, my main duty (in my opinion) is to help people look at old issues through a new perspective. This is what I love to do—being a kaleidoscope of sorts—and working with folks to shift focus a bit here and there to find different, more effective solutions to utilize in their lives as a force for good. I want to thank Jenn for the opportunity to share my thoughts on the topic of communication as it relates to ED recovery. I hope everyone who reads this is able to pull something useful out of these words for your own journey towards health and healing. Thank you for reading.