Negotiating Boundaries

"The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves."--Robert Burney

   We're approaching that time of year again: the holiday season. With it, there tends to come many expectations and obligations--from others as well as from ourselves. Never knowing exactly what will be happening in my life and those of my family and friends this time of year; I usually play holiday plans by ear. Sometimes, I make plans well in advance. Either way, I usually encounter situations that test my personal boundaries. What are these boundaries?

   My boundaries are the limits to which I'm willing to extend my time and attention to others and to myself during any period of time. My boundaries go both ways: I may stop people and situations from coming into my life at a certain time, as well as allow other people and situations in. My boundaries are flexible at times and rigid at others. My boundaries can shift, transform, and change at any time, as they are always in a state of evolution. My boundaries--just like everything else about me--are a work in progress.

   Negotiating boundaries are an important aspect of communication because the process of doing so enables people to get in touch with their own needs and express them to others. It is usually best to explain one's boundaries in the form of feelings and/or needs and offer future options and suggestions. For instance, "I feel that this time won't work out for me. Can we reschedule another time to spend together?" or "I need to take care of some things this weekend. Can we get together next weekend?" are two ways in which one might negotiate a particular boundary involving spending time with someone in the near future.

   When it comes to negotiating boundaries with family and friends during the holidays, the same boundary negotiation examples expressed above might apply or not. It can be difficult for people to say no to loved ones--especially when there is fear of potential hurt feelings involved. The best way that I have found to deal with these situations is to be open and honest. If you're not up to traveling for a particular holiday, then say so. You can offer options that work for you, such as hosting people in your home instead or rescheduling a visit for a later time. If you can travel and want to stay at a hotel instead of in a loved one's home, then make sure to express your appreciation for your potential host's offer before stating your needs and feelings. For example, "I sincerely appreciate your kindness and generosity in offering your home to me. Right now, I need some extra quiet time and space, and I feel like a hotel would be more appropriate. This has everything to do with me [or this is my issue], so please don't take it personally." Obviously, we cannot control how others will respond to what we say, but we can take courage and comfort in the fact that we were honest and true to ourselves and our boundaries. We can continue to treat our loved ones with love and respect despite having differing needs and feelings, and my hope is that they will respond in kind.

   A therapist once gave me an interesting and useful way to think of boundary setting. She provided the following example: "I'm not saying no to you. I'm saying yes to me." I found her words enlightening because I do not believe that boundary setting is a form of selfishness--as some might presume it to be. I think of it as being present to what's going on within us: What do we want? What do we need? What do we feel...in this moment? What will we want, need or feel in the future? Of course, the present moment is all we really have, yet I do not see the harm in doing some preventive maintenance too. Most importantly, however, is the need to make your boundaries clear to yourself so you can clearly express them to others. Avoid the potential temptation towards vagueness and obscurity in your boundary setting, and resist the urge to put off making decisions. No one really likes to be left hanging. Treat yourself with patience, love, and kindness as you navigate your needs and feelings when determining how best to set your boundaries. It might take some practice, but eventually the process will become much easier.

   I wish you all the best in your journey towards strengthening and negotiating your boundaries.

Acknowledging Self in "Other"

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe."--John Muir

"I am a part of all that I have met."--Alfred Tennyson

    The notion that we are all connected is far from new to me; however, I find that I can easily forget this fact whenever I become angry, afraid, sad, or frustrated by whatever might be going on in my life at any given moment. Within these painful lapses of my greater, stronger, more rational self, I begin to feel like a deserted island--where no one can reach me or help me, let alone help me heal. I become hyper-focused on myself: MY situation, MY problems, ME, ME, ME!!! Not to say that taking care of oneself is in and of itself wrong or a bad thing. It's only when I become so wrapped up in my own fears and struggles that I become blinded to anything else that it becomes an issue. At that point, not only do I forget that I am part of a vast connection of humanity that can help me if I merely ask, but, more importantly, I forget that as a part of this human network, I am still quite capable of helping others when they ask.

   Once I remember (and truly acknowledge) that I'm never in anything completely alone, I usually calm down enough to tune back into my more rational thought and begin to take the hyper-focus off of myself and begin focusing on what I can do to help others. The reason I do this is not to ignore myself, but, rather, to take a much-needed break of worrying about myself and put my attention in a more productive space. I find that the act of doing this helps bring me back to feeling a sense of value and purpose. For me, fear epitomizes the feeling of a complete lack of worth and purpose, so remembering my place as a part of the human community reminds me that I do not have to be afraid. I do not have to see the world as a place full of unknown "others"; instead, I can acknowledge the part of myself in all of these 'others': the common humanity, cares, needs, feelings, and hopes that we all share. That brings me wholly back to where I believe I'm meant to be.

   When we think good thoughts, speak words of encouragement, and reach out to others in loving ways, we not only help them, but we also help ourselves. Many reading may already know this, and I'm grateful for that, but it's the consistent remembering and practicing that counts. Too often I know things and don't act upon them, and I'm doing a better job these days of applying what I know to practice. So far, it's been a great healing experience. I invite you to participate too! :-)     

Communication as a Bridge to Understanding

"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."--Tony Robbins

   I was recently given a wonderful opportunity to guest post on my longtime, good friend's blog. She wanted me to discuss the communicative aspects of eating disorder recovery, and I found that what I ended up writing could easily pertain to any type of recovery. I have modified the original posting a bit for the purposes of my blog, and, with my friend Jenn's permission, I am re-posting my guest blog below:

When Jenn asked me if I wanted to write a guest post on her blog, the first thought that came to my mind was, “I’m honored to be asked, but…I have no experience with eating disorders”. After seeking some ideas from Jenn about the direction in which I could potentially take my guest blog, she quickly reminded me of our days together in high school. I was (and still am) one of Jenn’s good friends that never gave up on her when she had trouble talking about what she was going through. I remained open and willing to listen whenever Jenn needed a friendly ear—or if she just needed someone to walk next to her in silence—keeping that love and openness always at the ready.

Today, I still value the power of what being loving, open, and willing to listen can do for those who might have trouble communicating the struggles they are going through. I own a business dedicated to helping people learn how to strengthen their communication skills & relationships, manage conflict, create positive and peaceful home & work environments, and anything else related to interpersonal communication that clients are seeking to utilize in their lives. I understand what can happen when communication between people becomes ineffective and/or nonexistent, and I try to help people bridge the communication gaps between each other as a means of understanding, as well as building stronger, more loving relationships.

In terms of recovery, Jenn has made it very clear in her blog that open and honest communication has been critical to her journey towards recovering from an eating disorder, and I wholeheartedly agree. I believe that the lines of communication must not only be open between the person in recovery and helping professionals, family, friends, etc. I also believe that the person in recovery must be able to communicate with oneself: to be able to look within and seek whatever it is that she (or he) wants from recovery. Doing this undoubtedly involves also asking oneself what the eating disorder was truly providing in the first place (power, control, attention, escape, etc.). This is my opinion, and my intent is only to shed a bit more light on the situation from a communicative perspective—not to diagnose or advise on ED recovery, as that is not my area of expertise.

Speaking from the perspective of a friend to someone going through the recovery process, I find it important never to make any judgments about what it is like to live and deal with an eating disorder, drug addiction, or any issue from which people seek to recover. I approach everyone I counsel with the same nonjudgmental stance. I remember doing my best to support Jenn back in high school—being her friend no matter what was going on. Knowing something was wrong but waiting for Jenn to reveal it to me in her own time was difficult. I trusted that, as long as she continued to make it to school each day that she was still making an effort to be around others and to keep herself alive. Of course, she eventually told me what was going on. I didn’t jump to immediate conclusions or rush to judgment, and I believe that Jenn appreciated that.

              

            I relied on Jenn to keep me updated on her experience once I knew (and I tried my best to keep looking out for her in my own way). She wrote me notes and letters when she couldn’t say the words out loud. We kept regular communication going, and I’m guessing it was a bit therapeutic for Jenn to write her thoughts and feelings down. Perhaps this “therapy” continues as she writes her blog today—I hope so.

             

            Eventually, our communication subsided as we graduated from high school and went our separate ways in life. In the age before Facebook, staying in touch took much more effort. I remember thinking of Jenn a lot, as I navigated college and my adult life; however, I didn’t know how much the eating disorder issues progressed in her life until years later when we reconnected. I wish we had kept our lines of communication open; however, I'm grateful that we have reestablished them over the past few years. While I do not believe that I ever had the power to force Jenn to recover (only Jenn could do that), I like to think that all the listening and sharing that comprised our teen friendship helped her to keep moving forward at the time.

Today, I tend to think of eating disorders (and all mental & physical conditions) differently than I did in the past. Although my graduate school counseling training did not include instruction on how to treat people with EDs (in the state of CA it requires additional specialized training), I have learned that what we think of ourselves is largely influenced by outside sources (family, friends, culture, media, etc.). In more recent years, I have also learned how to see myself in a less materialistic and more spiritual light. My goal when helping people work through a situation in which they believe themselves to be “defective”, “disordered”, or “broken” is to remind them that their spirit cannot be any of those things. I also remind them that they do not necessarily have to identify with a disorder or disease in order to help their bodies and minds heal. This usually involves changing language and externalizing the issue: for example, rather than saying “my bulimia” or “I have depression”, I encourage people to change their talk to “the bulimia” or “I’m battling depressive thoughts”. This has proven helpful for me in dealing with my own issues, as well as for other friends of mine. I provide it here only as an example of another way to look at one’s circumstances.

As a communication counselor, my main duty (in my opinion) is to help people look at old issues through a new perspective. This is what I love to do—being a kaleidoscope of sorts—and working with folks to shift focus a bit here and there to find different, more effective solutions to utilize in their lives as a force for good. I want to thank Jenn for the opportunity to share my thoughts on the topic of communication as it relates to ED recovery. I hope everyone who reads this is able to pull something useful out of these words for your own journey towards health and healing. Thank you for reading.

 

Keeping Your Word: Consistency & Integrity

"A man, without his word, is nothing."--Anon.

"Don't make excuses--make good."--Elbert Hubbard

   Very often, it seems, I encounter decent and well-meaning human beings that do not keep their word. Yes, I've done it myself a few times (we all have); however, I take extra care in remaining accountable for the words I say and promises I make to others. I always come back to the person I originally spoke with and offer a sincere apology, making sure I full well own up to my own shortcoming in that instance. This topic has become a particularly strong pet peeve of mine over the years--maybe because I grew up with a dad who often broke his promises--and it shows no signs of waning. In fact, as I continue to go through life, I find myself developing even higher standards when it comes to people keeping their words. I know my Sicilian great grandfather was known to say a variation of the first quote listed above, and I have taken it to heart ever since my grandmother shared it with me when I was a child.

   It takes consistency and integrity to own up to one's mistakes, and I do not take it lightly whenever I happen to "drop the ball", so to speak, and do not keep my word. I also expect others to provide the same respect and courtesy to me whenever they drop the ball. As a business owner, I have no idea how others can effectively conduct business in a fashion that allows for not keeping one's word. Perhaps many people would rather be polite and not speak up whenever they encounter someone who does not follow through and do what they said they would do for fear of consequences or repercussions resulting from potentially calling someone out. Maybe those who don't end up keeping their words don't realize their mistakes--or simply don't care. I'd like to think better of people, even when it seems difficult to do so.

   It's important for me to clarify here that my point is not that people always accomplish every task they set out to do (obviously, this may not be possible). My point relates back to the overall purpose of my blog: communication. Are you keeping the lines of communication open to those you have made promises to and/or given your word? Going back to my comment about politeness, I believe that effective and appropriate communication allows for owning our feeling whenever we feel slighted or overlooked by others who gave us their word. Being polite has its place in more formal settings; however, once private discussion can occur, more candid communication can then take place. Resentment for past irritations can build up and become toxins that pollute an otherwise positive and strong relationship, which is why it's so important to be honest about negative feelings as they come up--rather than ignore them or save them all up to deal with at a later time.

   I recommend calling upon your own consistency and integrity in everything you say you will do for someone else. If you find yourself unable to do the thing you said you would do, find the next available moment to communicate to the person how sorry you are (and mean it) and offer to make good on your word. Don't make excuses. Don't blame someone else. Own up to what happened, consider how you would feel if the tables were turned (as they may someday be with someone else), apologize, ask for forgiveness, and move on.

   When someone doesn't keep his or her word to you, be patient. If an apology is offered to you, remember what it feels like to be in a position of having to go back on your own word. Honestly communicate your disappointment to the person offering the apology and do what you believe is best when it comes to forgiveness. If someone is always letting you down, maybe it's time to talk about the bigger picture and whatever else might be going on that continues to lead to the repeated let downs. Maybe it's a perfect opportunity to express your forgiveness. It all depends on the specific people and circumstances. 

   Being part of a civilized society, keeping one's word is an obvious way to show one's civility and common courtesy. It's also a wonderful way of maintaining effective communication and strengthening relationships. Thank you for reading.

Communicating With Memories & Qualities

"Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things."--Cicero

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."--William Shakespeare

   Today, I remember my Dad, who would've turned 65 today. Despite this number, I have come to think of him as ageless. The qualities of who this man was when he was physically with us, as well as the qualities that remain in the memories of those who knew him then, are unchanged. I have taken great comfort in the fact that who we are--our spirits, ideas of who we are, etc.--cannot die. The most important aspect of humanity is not our flesh and bones; rather, it is the effects we have had on others around us, our qualities, the lasting legacies of Love.

   I cannot deny that I went through (and still sometimes go through) periods of grieving, anger, and frustration for the physical man that was my Dad who I can no longer reach out and hug, or pick up a phone and call, or get in a car and go visit. I have had to work very hard to understand the transformation of who my Dad really is and how to hold him close in different ways than the physically obvious. It has been a journey that started back on March 8, 2008: the day he passed away. Now, on August 8th, 2011, I have reached new understanding about how to deal with the loss I experienced over three years ago. It is my hope that this writing will resonate with others and help them through their own grieving processes.

   The ways in which I continue to communicate with my Dad's memories and qualities vary: some days I'll hear a song on the radio that he used to sing to me when I was a little girl, or I'll hear songs from artists that he really enjoyed. Those instances tend to make me feel closer to him and that he's come for a "visit" of sorts. It happens frequently enough, that I feel comforted on a relatively regular basis. :-)

   I also enjoy visiting places that my Dad used to take my younger brother and I as children (the beach), visiting the local town he used to live in (and that hold other childhood memories for me), doing some of the activities he enjoyed (walking in the park), visiting some of the restaurants he liked, and eating some of the foods he enjoyed (BBQ).

   It goes without saying that I'll also look at photos of my Dad, read old letters and cards he gave me, and even listen to some old recordings I have of his voice that we made many years ago (and some from my old answering machine)--which reminds me that I want to transfer those to the computer someday. All of these physical methodologies are nice; however, they tend to leave me feeling like I want more. Like what I have left is not enough. This has led me to the most important way in which I remember my Dad...

   I think about who he was in his life and who he continues to be for me in my life (e.g. a source of humor, courage, inspiration to work hard and persevere, etc.) and I try to live that everyday. As much as I feel that it would be wonderful to see, talk with, and hug him again, I know that I have something even greater than that now: ideas and qualities of a Dad who cannot die. Nothing can destroy or take away the Love that exists from him and for him. As difficult as it can be to accept that all material and physical elements of people and things may disappear, what truly matters (who we are and the qualities that all things represent) always remains unchanged. This perspective has been the ultimate source of comfort and salvation for me during the grieving process, and I am grateful that I understand it and can share it with others now.

   I know my Dad is always with me and that is enough. I love you, Dad, and I honor you today and everyday. 

To Be Heard & Understood

"We all want, above all, to be heard--but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood--heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant."--Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

   I've been through this many times: I say something to someone and it is perceived in a way that I did not intend. This leads the other person to respond in a way that I was not expecting. Taken aback, I find that the conversation is quickly going in a direction that I do not want. I either try to backtrack towards my original intent and meaning of what was said, or I end the conversation. Either way, I tend to leave the situation feeling unsatisfied and a bit lonely when I do not feel heard or understood.

   I've also been through this many times: I say something to someone and what I meant is immediately grasped by the other person. This person responds in a way that I was completely expecting, and we go on talking together in a compatible rhythm that is satisfying and validating to my sense of feeling heard and understood.

   The first example of conversation used to occur quite frequently with my husband while the second example tends to still occur quite frequently with my male best friend (my "twin brother", as I call him). True, my best friend has known me longer than my husband by about 11 years, so he has had some time to get to know how I tend to communicate. Yet, I've seemed to have conversational compatibility with my best friend since the first month we began our friendship. My husband and I have had to work much harder to understand the various meanings behind what we say to each other. The challenge has proven to be exciting and worthwhile; however, I still find myself sometimes longing for the easier style of conversation that comes naturally between my best friend and I.

   What makes some people able to "get us" on a level that others must work harder to do? There could be hundreds of reasons; however, I find the individual reasons less important than the fact that we are all capable of hearing and understanding each other. Yes, everything we perceive about each other is filtered through our own unique perspectives of the world around us, but that doesn't mean that we cannot take a glimpse into another person's perspective. All it takes are people willing to communicate effectively--and yes, it might take more work, but anything worth doing tends to take consistent practice and diligence.

   I've begun taking it upon myself to stop expecting my husband to automatically know what I mean when I speak to him. If I say something, and I sense that it's being interpreted differently than I intended, that's when I take it upon myself to own my meaning by clarifying what I said so that I can guide him towards the direction of my intent. I try not to take personal offense towards his responses because I realize that we can, at times, be vastly different people with different opinions and understandings about how the world works. This is a given between males and females especially, as well as between any two human beings, but what's important is (always) how we deal with our differences.

   I expect that my husband will clarify what he means whenever I'm not understanding him, and he already does this for the most part. What I admire about his ability to do this is that he doesn't seem to take my apparent misunderstandings personally. I used to believe that his lack of immediate understanding of what I said meant that we were incompatible, and I'm grateful that he never seemed to go down that path in his own perception. Knowing that our communication styles and perspectives can simply be different is far less threatening than the idea of blatant incompatibility as a couple. I believe that if we jump to such conclusions without having seriously worked through our communicative differences, then we're taking the easy way out--and the pattern could easily repeat itself with the next person we meet.

   Learning how to have the kinds of conversations we have with those who just seem to 'get us' with those who don't seem to understand us can feel frustrating; however, I've come to realize that with enough effort, many of our conversations can begin to feel more satisfying. That sense of feeling heard and understood comes from our own ability to express what we mean in ways that others can clearly comprehend. If we happen to encounter a misinterpretation the first time, all we need to do is keep trying--without defensiveness--to make our intended connection. Sure, it might not be easy at first, but I can promise that it will get easier if done in a loving spirit.

Musings on Modern Communication

"The more elaborate our means of communication, the less we communicate."--Joseph Priestley

"Two monologues do not make a dialogue." --Jeff Daly

    This topic has fascinated me since the late 1990's and early 2000's when I began using the Internet and email regularly. I remember asking myself how email was going to change the quality of human communication, and that question remained in the back of my mind as newer methodologies of communication began entering my life--online chatting, Instant Messaging, text messaging, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Technology has a way of evolving faster than anything else in the world, it seems, so the relevancy of my original question remains. I now ask myself how all of these modern technological mediums of communication (aka "cyber communication") affect human communication on a day-to-day basis.

   I have observed many interesting sights while out in public over the past decade that definitely remind me how much the world has changed since I was a child back in the 1980's; for instance, I've seen people sitting in crowded coffee shops and cafes staring into laptop screens and seemingly oblivious to the world around them. I've witnessed people sitting in restaurants together while also talking on cell phones to other people. I've observed people (usually teenagers) hanging out together while texting (each other) & looking at their phones in complete silence. I've heard many similar stories from others who have also witnessed such occurrences, and it leads me to wonder if people feel closer to each other when they cyber communicate or if their cyber communication lacks a certain quality that only face-to-face communication can provide.

   I'd like to list my own pros and cons with cyber communication and its effect on my life as a way to get further perspective on the issue and see if others agree or disagree:

PROS: 1) I can talk to people on my own time. If someone sends me an email, message, comment, etc., I can respond whenever I'm ready to and feel like it. 2) It's fast and easy. I just have to type something and I'm done. 3) It's convenient for everybody else too. They can respond to me whenever they're ready and feel like it. 4) It's as current and consistent a form of communication can be with folks that don't live with me. I can be updated with the goings on of friends and relatives that I otherwise rarely see on a regular basis, and I happen to place a high value on that.

CONS: 1) It usually lacks human presence and the ability for me to express exactly what I'm feeling to someone in the moment. 2) There's a chance that someone might misinterpret what I'm expressing (or vice versa) and we're not able to clarify what we mean--using nonverbal communication, including facial expressions and tone of voice. Emoticons don't quite get the job done, in my opinion. 3) It usually requires having an Internet connection--if I lose that, even temporarily, I'm cut off from cyber communicating in an environment that's constantly being updated (with Tweets, comments, etc.) unceasingly. Oh, and the Internet isn't always cheap--neither are cell phone bills--however, traveling to see far away friends and relatives to communicate face-to-face can also be pretty pricey (and time consuming). 4) It has a way of making written communication grammatically incorrect and less eloquent. Gone are the days of handwritten letters--for the most part. The language of emailing and texting allows for multiple abbreviations and shortcuts in writing that tends to rub self-proclaimed academians (such as myself) the wrong way. My best friend (a high school English teacher) used to tell me about his students using text abbreviations in their essays, and I realize that the younger generations may be having more difficulties in the quality of their communication because the modern way is all that they may be growing up to know (outside of formal schooling). Speaking does allow for less eloquence during conversation with people we're familiar with versus communicating in more formal environments and with people we do not know; however, I wonder how strongly the influence of cyber communication is affecting others' basic writing and speaking skills. This con holds a lot of weight for me--it's certainly a big one!

   It appears as though I have found an equal amount of pros and cons with cyber communication, and arguments for or against it seem to be pretty balanced for me. That being said, I do not expect our level of cyber communication in the world to decrease--in fact, I believe it may only increase, along with our ever-evolving technological tools that allow us to communicate in a multitude of ways. I must point out here that phone technology has seemed to improve in bringing us ways to see the people we're speaking with in real time. This technology allows for a simulated face-to-face conversation that comes closest to the real thing, and I find that pretty cool! :-)

   So, the purpose of my blog today is to create awareness of how our cyber communication may be affecting the quality of our communication as a whole. Is is keeping you regularly connected to your loved ones? Is it pushing you away from having meaningful experiences with people you care about? Is it something that you can better regulate in your life to find a better balance in how you communicate? These are some of the questions that I've been asking myself when it comes to this subject. For the most part, I feel better connected to people that I do not see on a regular basis. Can I use it a bit less and pick up a phone and call some of my family and friends more often or go visit them in person? Yes. Will I? I'll try. ;-)