Choices

"Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made. If you want a different result, make a different choice." --Unknown

     Believe it or not, just about every single moment we experience in our lives (especially once we reach adulthood) is the result of a choice we have made. This might seem like an extreme position to take for some, but the more I’ve been thinking about it (which has been quite often over the past year), the more I realize just how much power we actually have to affect our own lives. It might very well seem at times as if the “powers that be” (institutions, other people, life circumstances) have a direct influence on our existence; however, I’d like to make the case today that this perspective is merely an illusion.

     Everything that happens to us (from cataclysmic events, personal issues, and daily struggles) can be traced back to a choice. I’ll use some examples from my own life to support my claim:

     Cataclysmic Event: I experienced the October 17, 1989 earthquake while living in San Jose, CA with my family. I was only 10 years old at the time, yet I remember the event vividly. Knowing very well that the area in which I lived was susceptible to earthquakes, I have chosen to continue living in the Bay Area of California for the time being. When and if another large earthquake occurs, I will understand that I chose to live in this “earthquake prone” area, and I will have to accept the consequences of my choice. No, I will never believe myself to be an ‘earthquake victim’--no matter what may happen to me as a result of a future quake. I choose to remain optimistic about this situation anyway...

     Personal Issue: I recently undertook the opportunity to walk for 45 minutes to an hour every single day since the end of July 2012. Essentially, I chose to begin this exercise routine to lose excess weight and feel better overall. So far, I do feel better, and weight is beginning to come off very (agonizingly) slowly. When I’m out there walking each day (this could very well fall under the category of “Daily Struggle” too), I don’t always enjoy every second of it. Sometimes I even grumble to myself about how “unfair” it is that I “have” to do this at all. “Why couldn’t I be naturally thin and fit?”. First off, I don’t ‘have’ to walk--I ‘want’ to walk. Second, my needing to walk excess weight off can be traced back to other choices I made in the past (to eat more than I needed to during multiple meals because I enjoy food and its many enticing flavors). I never had to eat more than I needed to--I chose to. Can you see how patterns of choices can influence the lives we (choose) to lead?

     Daily Struggle: I seem to have always struggled with getting enough sleep ever since I was a child. As a lifelong “night owl”, I’ve always fallen easily into the habit of staying up late and sleeping late into the morning. Do I like this habit? Not always. In fact, as much as I enjoy sleeping in, I always tend to feel guilty when I do it--as if it’s “not appropriate” and I should be using the time I sleep in to get more things done and accomplished. It’s difficult for me to relish the satisfaction of sleeping in wholeheartedly. The guilt feelings don’t necessarily come from anyone but myself. Nobody gets on my case for sleeping in but me. But this part of my struggle is beside the point. Being a ‘night owl’, I have to discipline myself to go to bed earlier than I usually like to during the week in order to get enough rest for work. For the most part, I succeed fairly well in this endeavor, but there are quite a few evenings when I get to bed later than I would like. This creates annoyance inside of me, but the reasons that I don’t get to bed when I want to can always be traced back to choices I made earlier in the evening (maybe I chose to stay online longer than I intended--which often happens, or maybe I chose to watch an additional TV show when I could’ve been getting ready for bed, etc.). No matter what the reason, I have no one to blame but myself. Even if I had children to take care of, I would still be making choices regarding balancing their care with my own need for sleep. When I get caught up in a conversation with my husband instead of getting ready for bed, I am making choices regarding caring for my marital relationship over getting enough sleep--the two are both important to me, but sometimes one becomes more important than the other. I try to balance my needs with the needs of others, and it's an ongoing challenge--but a necessary one.

   These examples above illustrate the notion of how I can trace events back to choice: I would have chosen to have children, and I did choose to get married. Do you see where I’m going with this perspective of choices here...? I can even trace my choices further back: I chose to work in the job I do, and I am accountable for working the hours my job requires. Thus, I must make sure that I make choices that will allow me to get enough rest and do my job well. It always goes back to choices and accountability.

     I challenge you to look at everything going on in your life that is currently going well (and not-so-well) and trace these events back to choices you made in your life. You might surprise yourself (or you may not), but my goal is to help you better understand the power you actually wield in your life. When a choice gets you into a situation that you may not want to continue going through, making a different choice has the potential to get you out of that situation. It’s the process of becoming accountable for your own choices that’s the issue here. Yes, things will happen that you do not necessarily foresee or directly control, but you can always control how you respond in these situations--with your choices. I encourage you to choose your responses wisely.

Patterns

"If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results."

--Jack Dixon 

 "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." --Aristotle

     I’ve learned a lot about myself during the time between now and my last blog posting. Though my intentions have been good in trying to change the way I approach maintaining various aspects of my life, I’ve since learned that my focus has needed to shift away from the results and towards the process itself. Doing this has brought a renewed energy and motivation to my life. I’ve been working on things that I’d been trying to work on for many years and feeling continuous inspiration within the process.

     So, what am I now doing differently? Well, first of all, I’m only writing today because I’ve felt inspired to do so. Rather than force results on myself (e.g. “I must make sure I have a blog posting every month--no matter what”), I’m paying attention to my life and looking for specific moments of value that I believe will help others learn, and this is what I understand the purpose of my blog was to be all along. I had been primarily concerned that if I didn’t have a certain number of regular postings, that I was somehow not to be taken seriously. The problem with this perspective is that I believe it encourages people to write something--anything--everyday, whether it contains much forethought or not (such as a personal journal or diary). It’s great that some folks are truly capable of producing well thought out blog entries on a daily basis; however, I know my boundaries well, and writing only when I’m inspired to do so is one of them. Priorities shift quite often for me, depending on what’s taking place in my life at the time, and I find that going with the flow rather than against it makes far more sense. This has brought some well-needed peace and relief to my consciousness.

     I’m finding that when I focus on changing long-standing patterns of belief and behavior in myself, I must look at the process first and the results will certainly follow. I used to look at days and weeks going by and criticize myself every time something wasn’t accomplished by the end of a day, weekend, month, etc. My self-talk was quite bullying and mean, as I was basing my self-worth on what I could get done. When I didn’t have the motivation to move forward with a task in the time I set for myself, my inner bully kicked in calling me “lazy” and making me feel even less motivated to do anything. It became a repetitive downward spiral, as negative thoughts tend to perpetuate negative thoughts. I was becoming trapped in my usual pattern that left nothing done and me feeling like a failure--again.

     What’s changed lately is that I now look at what I want (yes, a result--as that’s usually the goal in the first place), but I remind myself that I don’t have to do anything to work toward it, I want to do things to work toward it. I learned the “have to vs. want to” perspective in the Career Development course I teach at work.
 

     To illustrate: If a person wants to reach the goal of, for instance, graduating from a program (such as the ones we have at the school where I work), this person (now a student) might approach each class with self-talk that consistently says, “I have to get up and get ready for school”, “I have to take notes for this class”, “I have to get my homework done”. This is a common perspective, and one that many of us don’t think twice about. The trouble is that it has a tendency to be demotivating and energy draining. If said student looks at school not as a “have to” but a “want to”, then his or her perspective is more likely to brighten and energy seems to flow back towards motivating the student to move forward. Tasks that might have seemed tiresome before may now appear less so once the student begins thinking: “I want to get up and get ready for school”, “I want to take notes for this class”, “I want to get my homework done”. This psychological shift takes away the seemingly coercive aspect of “have to” and replaces it with choice: “Do I want to do this or not?” Sure, the student might still end up doing things he or she doesn’t necessarily want to do in the moment, but the choice always remains, and no one is forcing anyone to do anything. In addition, if the student were to choose not to do something, that’s fine, just as long as he or she accepts the consequences of his or her actions.

      I have the choice to do whatever it is I want to do as long as I accept the consequences of my actions. For example, I used to eat--even when I wasn’t hungry--because I enjoyed the feeling I got when I ate something particularly decadent (still do). When I found my clothes getting tighter, I didn’t like that consequence and no longer wanted to accept it. Now, I exercise everyday and watch what I eat, when I eat it, and why I eat it. Do I want to do this everyday? Not always, but if I choose not to do this anymore, I know I don’t want the consequences that may follow from that choice. So I refuse to whine and complain about it and I just do it--because I want my clothing to fit comfortably and I want to feel better physically and mentally. I don’t have to, I want to.

      It’s far too easy to fall into the same negative patterns and downward spirals over and over again, but it takes consistent desire and motivation to become aware of these dysfunctional patterns and step out of them. I’m a work in progress, as I always have been, and I’m grateful for the lessons I continue to learn and continue to share with others. Thank you for reading.

Update

As you can see, I'm still working on this affirmation process. I'm hoping to have my next posting up soon. Thank you for staying tuned...

Changing Habits

“The only proper way to eliminate bad habits is to replace them with good ones.” - Jerome Hines

   You may have noticed that the name of this blog has changed slightly. This is because I’m finding myself going in a different direction with the topics I plan to write about. While the main focus of this blog will still focus on interpersonal communication, I’m opening it up a bit to include the just as important self-talk that we all engage in on a regular basis: the ongoing conversations we tend to have with ourselves through our thoughts. I’ve been wanting to bring self-talk officially into the mix, so I’ve decided to pursue it and see where it takes me—or rather, where it takes all of us: myself as well as the readers of this blog. Feel free to leave your feedback in the comments section and let me know what you think.

   So, keeping in the spirit of this blog entry’s theme of change, I’ll now write about some personal habits of mine that I’d really like to change. I’ve recently become much more aware of the habits I’ve developed over the years than I’ve ever been. Just this past week, I had a stark realization that I
have been following patterns of behavior throughout the course of my life that really haven’t helped me move forward in certain respects. This realization hit me a bit hard because I’m very dedicated to developing effective and successful habits when it comes to my field of study and what I do for a living (communication and counseling). However, in terms of maintaining my home (maintenance, cleaning, and all that busywork that keeps the system running), I’ve followed a lifetime habit of storing it away and telling myself, “I’ll do it later”. Sadly, I’ve done it with my blog and other things that mean a lot to me too.

   So I tell myself, “I’ll do it later”. Later. When exactly is “later” anyway? During the past six months of working in post-secondary adult education, I’ve had the wonderful opportunity of learning the curriculum that we teach to our incoming students relating to succeeding in college and their future careers. We emphasize positive thought management as a means of being aware of how thinking influences behavior: whatever you tell yourself and think about essentially leads you into your future. So, if you know that you’re capable of doing well, you will ultimately do those things well. It really can be that simple in most cases, but you have to do the work to get there. Issues such as drive, motivation, and desire to succeed play critical roles.

   Going back to the realization I had about my habits: when it comes to my work and other areas of my life, I hold strong beliefs that I am completely capable of success; consequently, I’ve developed habits leaning towards success that help me accomplish what I set out to accomplish. The trouble is that those beliefs don’t seem to stretch into other domains of my existence—the stuff I discussed at the beginning of this entry: regular maintenance of my home and blog—things that are easy to procrastinate with when I work full-time and feel like I don’t have the energy or extra time to devote to them. Obviously, I can’t procrastinate forever—something always gives inside me and I eventually buckle down and do what needs to be done. See, I really am capable whenever I set my mind to something. We all are.

   So, in order to develop effective and successful habits, one must first have a goal in mind that one wants to achieve. In my case, I could say, “I want to devote more attention to my housework and blog”, but there’s already a problem with my goal—it’s not quite specific enough. What does “more” mean? An extra hour or two a week? A day? What? Let’s revise the first sentence of this paragraph: To develop effective and successful habits, one must first have a clear and specific goal in mind that
one wants to achieve. Now, I could say, “I want to devote at least a half hour a day to my housework—doesn’t matter what I do just as long as I clean something that needs to be cleaned—and two to three hours a month (at minimum) to my blog”. There. Now I just need to follow the goals I’ve set down and everything will get done, right? Well, almost…

   Beliefs about one’s self-efficacy are important to be aware of whenever goals are set to change one’s habits. I could have every good intention in the world to change myself; however, if I don’t see myself as a person that devotes regular time and attention to doing so, then all bets are off and I’ll most likely fail in my endeavors. This is part of the reason why many people will set New Year’s resolutions on December 31st or January 1st and forget about them after one or two weeks: because even though they’ve imagined themselves behaving differently, they haven’t yet changed how they actually believe themselves to be on the inside.

   So how does one go about changing self-beliefs? One way of approaching this (and the way I’ll be trying) is through developing affirmations about myself and seeing myself as if I’m already the person I aspire to be. I can say to myself, “I keep a regularly maintained household and blog” and “I used to have problems keeping up with my housework and blog, but I don’t do that anymore”. Sure, it might sound a bit simplistic, but if I say these affirmations to myself everyday and then I don’t follow through, I’ll start to feel like a hypocrite—and I hate hypocrisy! For me, it will feel too odd to talk about myself in a manner that’s blatantly false, so I have to start making my affirmations come true. My behavior will begin to match my beliefs, as it should.

   I suppose a way out of the whole thing would be to stop saying my affirmations or decide to give myself a break whenever I fall back into the habits I’m seeking to change, but that would certainly be
counterproductive. This affirmation system may or may not work well for me, but it’s worth a try. If I begin to believe that I’m the type of person that has the capability to achieve the (clear and specific) goals that I set for myself, then maybe—just maybe—I might actually begin achieving them and changing my habits in the process. It may not end up being an easy thing to do, and it may take a few tries before I get the hang of it, but I’ll let you know how it goes either way. And maybe you’ll once again see me posting fairly regularly each month. ☺

Update

Just wanted to let readers know that I've needed to take a brief hiatus until I can focus more time and energy on giving this blog the attention it deserves. I'm hoping I can get back to posting monthly by April or May. Thank you for your continued patience. :-)

--Renee

Never Too Busy To Communicate

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice."--John Cassis

    I have (unfortunately) often encountered people in various social, academic, and professional situations that seem to communicate at a bare minimum. It tends to leave me feeling baffled, frustrated, and (in certain cases) hurt. It's as if the act of communicating is such a monumental task to these folks, and it takes them an unbearable and unacceptable amount of time, so they refuse to do it. I'm left to wonder in these situations what could possibly be more important than treating others with courtesy--like human beings.

   I understand that I hold a very large bias when it comes to issues of communication (obviously). I value it highly when so many others appear to take it for granted. Some people may not even realize how daily communicative habits and behaviors can affect their relationships and their lives in general. When I get to thinking this way, I usually remember that this is why I'm here. This is why I started this blog in the first place--to apply my education, training, and experience to helping others who are interested in becoming aware of some of their own communication behaviors and to help them change what no longer works into something that does.

   Here's the point where I confess that I have begun behaving in ways I was complaining about in the beginning of this post. It's no secret to me that it's been a good 2 or so months since my last posting. Though I wasn't writing, I was thinking of my blog often. Shortly after writing my last post, I started a new job in the education field. Though my personal business (Communication Counseling) remains open, I have been primarily focused on my new job--getting settled, learning what is required of me, becoming used to new routines, and everything else that comes with new jobs. Everything has thus far worked out pretty well...up until I began noticing how I was neglecting my other work--my own work here on my blog. I felt pretty guilty and torn about it for a bit. I started thinking, "Who am I to act as if my job is somehow more important than maintaining the work I have created from a field I hold so dear and value so highly?" True, I need to focus on my job, but I also need to become better at time management so I can avoid ignoring my blog too. It's a work in progress just like everything else in my life, really. Anyway, when I began noticing myself becoming what I do not like and have little patience for in others--a minimal communicator--I had to finally do something about it...and here I am today. I can't say that I'll become perfectly able to avoid putting off writing in my blog in the future, but I can say that I'm aware of the issue and I will put more effort into doing better.

   You see, it's completely OK to be busy and temporarily put things off. It's OK to take care of yourself first if that's what you need to do. But, when that little voice in your head starts telling you, "Enough's enough! You need to get back to your other responsibilities and you know it", that's supposed to be the part where you heed it. You will not be able to successfully quiet that voice (your conscience) until you do.

   Turning back to the idea of minimal communication, for these past couple of months, I had begun noticing more and more evidence of people behaving as if they were too busy to properly communicate, and I started noticing the negative effect it was having all around--not just on myself, but on others and the communicative environment in general. Negative behavior begets negative behavior, it seems, so I have begun trying to break the cycles that I notice around me--and you can as well.

   For instance, people need context--a way to understand where you're coming from and what you mean when you make a request, observation, comment, or ask a question. Until the day we are all telepathic and can read each others' minds, we will need context to understand each other effectively. My advice in the meantime is to do the best you can when communicating to avoid assuming that everyone around you already knows exactly what you're referring to before you say it. This goes back to assuming in general--just don't do it! If you truly don't have the opportunity in the moment to properly explain something, make a note of this to the person you're communicating with and be open to receiving questions.

   For example, at work, you could say the following in this situation: "I need you to help me with completing a project (or task), but I don't have time right now to fully explain what's involved. Let's please set aside some time later to discuss details." You could then either ask what time works for the other person or be willing to field follow-up questions from that person. All in all, it really doesn't take a whole lot of time to ask for more time. Ironically, people end up wasting a lot of time they claim they don't have by trying to request things from others after providing little to no context. All the confused back-and-forth conversations and emails that result from those situations never cease to boggle my mind. If you take the proper time at the very beginning to state your needs, you will eliminate a lot of issues and wasted time in the long run. By doing so, you're showing respect for others and yourself, and it goes a long way towards overall productivity and morale on the job.

   At home and in social situations, the same rules apply: when talking to friends or family, always let them know if you happen to be too busy in the moment to give them the context or attention they deserve. Aside from applying the same type of example discussed in the previous work scenario, other situations may arise. For instance, if someone is speaking to you and you're not really listening and processing what they're saying (but pretending to), rather than going on with a charade that will inevitably be revealed and potentially create hurt feelings; instead, say: "I'm sorry, but I'm distracted by (fill in the blank) right now. Would it be alright if we continue this conversation in half an hour?" Obviously, specific circumstances will vary; however, by making such a request in the first place, you're also telling these people that you value their time and your own. You're stating your needs (always a good thing) and attempting to respect theirs as well. It can be a win-win situation for all involved. But maybe certain people will ask that you not postpone some conversations until later times. Sometimes it's best in these situations to respect the needs of those who are stating them by asking that you stop whatever it is you're doing and tend to the moment at hand. Either way, you want to gauge what's more important in each circumstance, and more often than not, it's the relationships with your friends and family that will win out over completing tasks.

   Remember that no one is ever too busy to communicate. Like everything else worth doing, it takes practice to give up old habits (like assumption and avoidance) and begin behaving in a more mindful way. I only see positive effects and results whenever I apply these communicative tools in my own life, and I hope it brings you wonderful results as well.

Negotiating Boundaries

"The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves."--Robert Burney

   We're approaching that time of year again: the holiday season. With it, there tends to come many expectations and obligations--from others as well as from ourselves. Never knowing exactly what will be happening in my life and those of my family and friends this time of year; I usually play holiday plans by ear. Sometimes, I make plans well in advance. Either way, I usually encounter situations that test my personal boundaries. What are these boundaries?

   My boundaries are the limits to which I'm willing to extend my time and attention to others and to myself during any period of time. My boundaries go both ways: I may stop people and situations from coming into my life at a certain time, as well as allow other people and situations in. My boundaries are flexible at times and rigid at others. My boundaries can shift, transform, and change at any time, as they are always in a state of evolution. My boundaries--just like everything else about me--are a work in progress.

   Negotiating boundaries are an important aspect of communication because the process of doing so enables people to get in touch with their own needs and express them to others. It is usually best to explain one's boundaries in the form of feelings and/or needs and offer future options and suggestions. For instance, "I feel that this time won't work out for me. Can we reschedule another time to spend together?" or "I need to take care of some things this weekend. Can we get together next weekend?" are two ways in which one might negotiate a particular boundary involving spending time with someone in the near future.

   When it comes to negotiating boundaries with family and friends during the holidays, the same boundary negotiation examples expressed above might apply or not. It can be difficult for people to say no to loved ones--especially when there is fear of potential hurt feelings involved. The best way that I have found to deal with these situations is to be open and honest. If you're not up to traveling for a particular holiday, then say so. You can offer options that work for you, such as hosting people in your home instead or rescheduling a visit for a later time. If you can travel and want to stay at a hotel instead of in a loved one's home, then make sure to express your appreciation for your potential host's offer before stating your needs and feelings. For example, "I sincerely appreciate your kindness and generosity in offering your home to me. Right now, I need some extra quiet time and space, and I feel like a hotel would be more appropriate. This has everything to do with me [or this is my issue], so please don't take it personally." Obviously, we cannot control how others will respond to what we say, but we can take courage and comfort in the fact that we were honest and true to ourselves and our boundaries. We can continue to treat our loved ones with love and respect despite having differing needs and feelings, and my hope is that they will respond in kind.

   A therapist once gave me an interesting and useful way to think of boundary setting. She provided the following example: "I'm not saying no to you. I'm saying yes to me." I found her words enlightening because I do not believe that boundary setting is a form of selfishness--as some might presume it to be. I think of it as being present to what's going on within us: What do we want? What do we need? What do we feel...in this moment? What will we want, need or feel in the future? Of course, the present moment is all we really have, yet I do not see the harm in doing some preventive maintenance too. Most importantly, however, is the need to make your boundaries clear to yourself so you can clearly express them to others. Avoid the potential temptation towards vagueness and obscurity in your boundary setting, and resist the urge to put off making decisions. No one really likes to be left hanging. Treat yourself with patience, love, and kindness as you navigate your needs and feelings when determining how best to set your boundaries. It might take some practice, but eventually the process will become much easier.

   I wish you all the best in your journey towards strengthening and negotiating your boundaries.

Acknowledging Self in "Other"

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe."--John Muir

"I am a part of all that I have met."--Alfred Tennyson

    The notion that we are all connected is far from new to me; however, I find that I can easily forget this fact whenever I become angry, afraid, sad, or frustrated by whatever might be going on in my life at any given moment. Within these painful lapses of my greater, stronger, more rational self, I begin to feel like a deserted island--where no one can reach me or help me, let alone help me heal. I become hyper-focused on myself: MY situation, MY problems, ME, ME, ME!!! Not to say that taking care of oneself is in and of itself wrong or a bad thing. It's only when I become so wrapped up in my own fears and struggles that I become blinded to anything else that it becomes an issue. At that point, not only do I forget that I am part of a vast connection of humanity that can help me if I merely ask, but, more importantly, I forget that as a part of this human network, I am still quite capable of helping others when they ask.

   Once I remember (and truly acknowledge) that I'm never in anything completely alone, I usually calm down enough to tune back into my more rational thought and begin to take the hyper-focus off of myself and begin focusing on what I can do to help others. The reason I do this is not to ignore myself, but, rather, to take a much-needed break of worrying about myself and put my attention in a more productive space. I find that the act of doing this helps bring me back to feeling a sense of value and purpose. For me, fear epitomizes the feeling of a complete lack of worth and purpose, so remembering my place as a part of the human community reminds me that I do not have to be afraid. I do not have to see the world as a place full of unknown "others"; instead, I can acknowledge the part of myself in all of these 'others': the common humanity, cares, needs, feelings, and hopes that we all share. That brings me wholly back to where I believe I'm meant to be.

   When we think good thoughts, speak words of encouragement, and reach out to others in loving ways, we not only help them, but we also help ourselves. Many reading may already know this, and I'm grateful for that, but it's the consistent remembering and practicing that counts. Too often I know things and don't act upon them, and I'm doing a better job these days of applying what I know to practice. So far, it's been a great healing experience. I invite you to participate too! :-)     

Communication as a Bridge to Understanding

"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."--Tony Robbins

   I was recently given a wonderful opportunity to guest post on my longtime, good friend's blog. She wanted me to discuss the communicative aspects of eating disorder recovery, and I found that what I ended up writing could easily pertain to any type of recovery. I have modified the original posting a bit for the purposes of my blog, and, with my friend Jenn's permission, I am re-posting my guest blog below:

When Jenn asked me if I wanted to write a guest post on her blog, the first thought that came to my mind was, “I’m honored to be asked, but…I have no experience with eating disorders”. After seeking some ideas from Jenn about the direction in which I could potentially take my guest blog, she quickly reminded me of our days together in high school. I was (and still am) one of Jenn’s good friends that never gave up on her when she had trouble talking about what she was going through. I remained open and willing to listen whenever Jenn needed a friendly ear—or if she just needed someone to walk next to her in silence—keeping that love and openness always at the ready.

Today, I still value the power of what being loving, open, and willing to listen can do for those who might have trouble communicating the struggles they are going through. I own a business dedicated to helping people learn how to strengthen their communication skills & relationships, manage conflict, create positive and peaceful home & work environments, and anything else related to interpersonal communication that clients are seeking to utilize in their lives. I understand what can happen when communication between people becomes ineffective and/or nonexistent, and I try to help people bridge the communication gaps between each other as a means of understanding, as well as building stronger, more loving relationships.

In terms of recovery, Jenn has made it very clear in her blog that open and honest communication has been critical to her journey towards recovering from an eating disorder, and I wholeheartedly agree. I believe that the lines of communication must not only be open between the person in recovery and helping professionals, family, friends, etc. I also believe that the person in recovery must be able to communicate with oneself: to be able to look within and seek whatever it is that she (or he) wants from recovery. Doing this undoubtedly involves also asking oneself what the eating disorder was truly providing in the first place (power, control, attention, escape, etc.). This is my opinion, and my intent is only to shed a bit more light on the situation from a communicative perspective—not to diagnose or advise on ED recovery, as that is not my area of expertise.

Speaking from the perspective of a friend to someone going through the recovery process, I find it important never to make any judgments about what it is like to live and deal with an eating disorder, drug addiction, or any issue from which people seek to recover. I approach everyone I counsel with the same nonjudgmental stance. I remember doing my best to support Jenn back in high school—being her friend no matter what was going on. Knowing something was wrong but waiting for Jenn to reveal it to me in her own time was difficult. I trusted that, as long as she continued to make it to school each day that she was still making an effort to be around others and to keep herself alive. Of course, she eventually told me what was going on. I didn’t jump to immediate conclusions or rush to judgment, and I believe that Jenn appreciated that.

              

            I relied on Jenn to keep me updated on her experience once I knew (and I tried my best to keep looking out for her in my own way). She wrote me notes and letters when she couldn’t say the words out loud. We kept regular communication going, and I’m guessing it was a bit therapeutic for Jenn to write her thoughts and feelings down. Perhaps this “therapy” continues as she writes her blog today—I hope so.

             

            Eventually, our communication subsided as we graduated from high school and went our separate ways in life. In the age before Facebook, staying in touch took much more effort. I remember thinking of Jenn a lot, as I navigated college and my adult life; however, I didn’t know how much the eating disorder issues progressed in her life until years later when we reconnected. I wish we had kept our lines of communication open; however, I'm grateful that we have reestablished them over the past few years. While I do not believe that I ever had the power to force Jenn to recover (only Jenn could do that), I like to think that all the listening and sharing that comprised our teen friendship helped her to keep moving forward at the time.

Today, I tend to think of eating disorders (and all mental & physical conditions) differently than I did in the past. Although my graduate school counseling training did not include instruction on how to treat people with EDs (in the state of CA it requires additional specialized training), I have learned that what we think of ourselves is largely influenced by outside sources (family, friends, culture, media, etc.). In more recent years, I have also learned how to see myself in a less materialistic and more spiritual light. My goal when helping people work through a situation in which they believe themselves to be “defective”, “disordered”, or “broken” is to remind them that their spirit cannot be any of those things. I also remind them that they do not necessarily have to identify with a disorder or disease in order to help their bodies and minds heal. This usually involves changing language and externalizing the issue: for example, rather than saying “my bulimia” or “I have depression”, I encourage people to change their talk to “the bulimia” or “I’m battling depressive thoughts”. This has proven helpful for me in dealing with my own issues, as well as for other friends of mine. I provide it here only as an example of another way to look at one’s circumstances.

As a communication counselor, my main duty (in my opinion) is to help people look at old issues through a new perspective. This is what I love to do—being a kaleidoscope of sorts—and working with folks to shift focus a bit here and there to find different, more effective solutions to utilize in their lives as a force for good. I want to thank Jenn for the opportunity to share my thoughts on the topic of communication as it relates to ED recovery. I hope everyone who reads this is able to pull something useful out of these words for your own journey towards health and healing. Thank you for reading.

 

Keeping Your Word: Consistency & Integrity

"A man, without his word, is nothing."--Anon.

"Don't make excuses--make good."--Elbert Hubbard

   Very often, it seems, I encounter decent and well-meaning human beings that do not keep their word. Yes, I've done it myself a few times (we all have); however, I take extra care in remaining accountable for the words I say and promises I make to others. I always come back to the person I originally spoke with and offer a sincere apology, making sure I full well own up to my own shortcoming in that instance. This topic has become a particularly strong pet peeve of mine over the years--maybe because I grew up with a dad who often broke his promises--and it shows no signs of waning. In fact, as I continue to go through life, I find myself developing even higher standards when it comes to people keeping their words. I know my Sicilian great grandfather was known to say a variation of the first quote listed above, and I have taken it to heart ever since my grandmother shared it with me when I was a child.

   It takes consistency and integrity to own up to one's mistakes, and I do not take it lightly whenever I happen to "drop the ball", so to speak, and do not keep my word. I also expect others to provide the same respect and courtesy to me whenever they drop the ball. As a business owner, I have no idea how others can effectively conduct business in a fashion that allows for not keeping one's word. Perhaps many people would rather be polite and not speak up whenever they encounter someone who does not follow through and do what they said they would do for fear of consequences or repercussions resulting from potentially calling someone out. Maybe those who don't end up keeping their words don't realize their mistakes--or simply don't care. I'd like to think better of people, even when it seems difficult to do so.

   It's important for me to clarify here that my point is not that people always accomplish every task they set out to do (obviously, this may not be possible). My point relates back to the overall purpose of my blog: communication. Are you keeping the lines of communication open to those you have made promises to and/or given your word? Going back to my comment about politeness, I believe that effective and appropriate communication allows for owning our feeling whenever we feel slighted or overlooked by others who gave us their word. Being polite has its place in more formal settings; however, once private discussion can occur, more candid communication can then take place. Resentment for past irritations can build up and become toxins that pollute an otherwise positive and strong relationship, which is why it's so important to be honest about negative feelings as they come up--rather than ignore them or save them all up to deal with at a later time.

   I recommend calling upon your own consistency and integrity in everything you say you will do for someone else. If you find yourself unable to do the thing you said you would do, find the next available moment to communicate to the person how sorry you are (and mean it) and offer to make good on your word. Don't make excuses. Don't blame someone else. Own up to what happened, consider how you would feel if the tables were turned (as they may someday be with someone else), apologize, ask for forgiveness, and move on.

   When someone doesn't keep his or her word to you, be patient. If an apology is offered to you, remember what it feels like to be in a position of having to go back on your own word. Honestly communicate your disappointment to the person offering the apology and do what you believe is best when it comes to forgiveness. If someone is always letting you down, maybe it's time to talk about the bigger picture and whatever else might be going on that continues to lead to the repeated let downs. Maybe it's a perfect opportunity to express your forgiveness. It all depends on the specific people and circumstances. 

   Being part of a civilized society, keeping one's word is an obvious way to show one's civility and common courtesy. It's also a wonderful way of maintaining effective communication and strengthening relationships. Thank you for reading.

Communicating With Memories & Qualities

"Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things."--Cicero

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."--William Shakespeare

   Today, I remember my Dad, who would've turned 65 today. Despite this number, I have come to think of him as ageless. The qualities of who this man was when he was physically with us, as well as the qualities that remain in the memories of those who knew him then, are unchanged. I have taken great comfort in the fact that who we are--our spirits, ideas of who we are, etc.--cannot die. The most important aspect of humanity is not our flesh and bones; rather, it is the effects we have had on others around us, our qualities, the lasting legacies of Love.

   I cannot deny that I went through (and still sometimes go through) periods of grieving, anger, and frustration for the physical man that was my Dad who I can no longer reach out and hug, or pick up a phone and call, or get in a car and go visit. I have had to work very hard to understand the transformation of who my Dad really is and how to hold him close in different ways than the physically obvious. It has been a journey that started back on March 8, 2008: the day he passed away. Now, on August 8th, 2011, I have reached new understanding about how to deal with the loss I experienced over three years ago. It is my hope that this writing will resonate with others and help them through their own grieving processes.

   The ways in which I continue to communicate with my Dad's memories and qualities vary: some days I'll hear a song on the radio that he used to sing to me when I was a little girl, or I'll hear songs from artists that he really enjoyed. Those instances tend to make me feel closer to him and that he's come for a "visit" of sorts. It happens frequently enough, that I feel comforted on a relatively regular basis. :-)

   I also enjoy visiting places that my Dad used to take my younger brother and I as children (the beach), visiting the local town he used to live in (and that hold other childhood memories for me), doing some of the activities he enjoyed (walking in the park), visiting some of the restaurants he liked, and eating some of the foods he enjoyed (BBQ).

   It goes without saying that I'll also look at photos of my Dad, read old letters and cards he gave me, and even listen to some old recordings I have of his voice that we made many years ago (and some from my old answering machine)--which reminds me that I want to transfer those to the computer someday. All of these physical methodologies are nice; however, they tend to leave me feeling like I want more. Like what I have left is not enough. This has led me to the most important way in which I remember my Dad...

   I think about who he was in his life and who he continues to be for me in my life (e.g. a source of humor, courage, inspiration to work hard and persevere, etc.) and I try to live that everyday. As much as I feel that it would be wonderful to see, talk with, and hug him again, I know that I have something even greater than that now: ideas and qualities of a Dad who cannot die. Nothing can destroy or take away the Love that exists from him and for him. As difficult as it can be to accept that all material and physical elements of people and things may disappear, what truly matters (who we are and the qualities that all things represent) always remains unchanged. This perspective has been the ultimate source of comfort and salvation for me during the grieving process, and I am grateful that I understand it and can share it with others now.

   I know my Dad is always with me and that is enough. I love you, Dad, and I honor you today and everyday. 

To Be Heard & Understood

"We all want, above all, to be heard--but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood--heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant."--Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

   I've been through this many times: I say something to someone and it is perceived in a way that I did not intend. This leads the other person to respond in a way that I was not expecting. Taken aback, I find that the conversation is quickly going in a direction that I do not want. I either try to backtrack towards my original intent and meaning of what was said, or I end the conversation. Either way, I tend to leave the situation feeling unsatisfied and a bit lonely when I do not feel heard or understood.

   I've also been through this many times: I say something to someone and what I meant is immediately grasped by the other person. This person responds in a way that I was completely expecting, and we go on talking together in a compatible rhythm that is satisfying and validating to my sense of feeling heard and understood.

   The first example of conversation used to occur quite frequently with my husband while the second example tends to still occur quite frequently with my male best friend (my "twin brother", as I call him). True, my best friend has known me longer than my husband by about 11 years, so he has had some time to get to know how I tend to communicate. Yet, I've seemed to have conversational compatibility with my best friend since the first month we began our friendship. My husband and I have had to work much harder to understand the various meanings behind what we say to each other. The challenge has proven to be exciting and worthwhile; however, I still find myself sometimes longing for the easier style of conversation that comes naturally between my best friend and I.

   What makes some people able to "get us" on a level that others must work harder to do? There could be hundreds of reasons; however, I find the individual reasons less important than the fact that we are all capable of hearing and understanding each other. Yes, everything we perceive about each other is filtered through our own unique perspectives of the world around us, but that doesn't mean that we cannot take a glimpse into another person's perspective. All it takes are people willing to communicate effectively--and yes, it might take more work, but anything worth doing tends to take consistent practice and diligence.

   I've begun taking it upon myself to stop expecting my husband to automatically know what I mean when I speak to him. If I say something, and I sense that it's being interpreted differently than I intended, that's when I take it upon myself to own my meaning by clarifying what I said so that I can guide him towards the direction of my intent. I try not to take personal offense towards his responses because I realize that we can, at times, be vastly different people with different opinions and understandings about how the world works. This is a given between males and females especially, as well as between any two human beings, but what's important is (always) how we deal with our differences.

   I expect that my husband will clarify what he means whenever I'm not understanding him, and he already does this for the most part. What I admire about his ability to do this is that he doesn't seem to take my apparent misunderstandings personally. I used to believe that his lack of immediate understanding of what I said meant that we were incompatible, and I'm grateful that he never seemed to go down that path in his own perception. Knowing that our communication styles and perspectives can simply be different is far less threatening than the idea of blatant incompatibility as a couple. I believe that if we jump to such conclusions without having seriously worked through our communicative differences, then we're taking the easy way out--and the pattern could easily repeat itself with the next person we meet.

   Learning how to have the kinds of conversations we have with those who just seem to 'get us' with those who don't seem to understand us can feel frustrating; however, I've come to realize that with enough effort, many of our conversations can begin to feel more satisfying. That sense of feeling heard and understood comes from our own ability to express what we mean in ways that others can clearly comprehend. If we happen to encounter a misinterpretation the first time, all we need to do is keep trying--without defensiveness--to make our intended connection. Sure, it might not be easy at first, but I can promise that it will get easier if done in a loving spirit.

Musings on Modern Communication

"The more elaborate our means of communication, the less we communicate."--Joseph Priestley

"Two monologues do not make a dialogue." --Jeff Daly

    This topic has fascinated me since the late 1990's and early 2000's when I began using the Internet and email regularly. I remember asking myself how email was going to change the quality of human communication, and that question remained in the back of my mind as newer methodologies of communication began entering my life--online chatting, Instant Messaging, text messaging, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Technology has a way of evolving faster than anything else in the world, it seems, so the relevancy of my original question remains. I now ask myself how all of these modern technological mediums of communication (aka "cyber communication") affect human communication on a day-to-day basis.

   I have observed many interesting sights while out in public over the past decade that definitely remind me how much the world has changed since I was a child back in the 1980's; for instance, I've seen people sitting in crowded coffee shops and cafes staring into laptop screens and seemingly oblivious to the world around them. I've witnessed people sitting in restaurants together while also talking on cell phones to other people. I've observed people (usually teenagers) hanging out together while texting (each other) & looking at their phones in complete silence. I've heard many similar stories from others who have also witnessed such occurrences, and it leads me to wonder if people feel closer to each other when they cyber communicate or if their cyber communication lacks a certain quality that only face-to-face communication can provide.

   I'd like to list my own pros and cons with cyber communication and its effect on my life as a way to get further perspective on the issue and see if others agree or disagree:

PROS: 1) I can talk to people on my own time. If someone sends me an email, message, comment, etc., I can respond whenever I'm ready to and feel like it. 2) It's fast and easy. I just have to type something and I'm done. 3) It's convenient for everybody else too. They can respond to me whenever they're ready and feel like it. 4) It's as current and consistent a form of communication can be with folks that don't live with me. I can be updated with the goings on of friends and relatives that I otherwise rarely see on a regular basis, and I happen to place a high value on that.

CONS: 1) It usually lacks human presence and the ability for me to express exactly what I'm feeling to someone in the moment. 2) There's a chance that someone might misinterpret what I'm expressing (or vice versa) and we're not able to clarify what we mean--using nonverbal communication, including facial expressions and tone of voice. Emoticons don't quite get the job done, in my opinion. 3) It usually requires having an Internet connection--if I lose that, even temporarily, I'm cut off from cyber communicating in an environment that's constantly being updated (with Tweets, comments, etc.) unceasingly. Oh, and the Internet isn't always cheap--neither are cell phone bills--however, traveling to see far away friends and relatives to communicate face-to-face can also be pretty pricey (and time consuming). 4) It has a way of making written communication grammatically incorrect and less eloquent. Gone are the days of handwritten letters--for the most part. The language of emailing and texting allows for multiple abbreviations and shortcuts in writing that tends to rub self-proclaimed academians (such as myself) the wrong way. My best friend (a high school English teacher) used to tell me about his students using text abbreviations in their essays, and I realize that the younger generations may be having more difficulties in the quality of their communication because the modern way is all that they may be growing up to know (outside of formal schooling). Speaking does allow for less eloquence during conversation with people we're familiar with versus communicating in more formal environments and with people we do not know; however, I wonder how strongly the influence of cyber communication is affecting others' basic writing and speaking skills. This con holds a lot of weight for me--it's certainly a big one!

   It appears as though I have found an equal amount of pros and cons with cyber communication, and arguments for or against it seem to be pretty balanced for me. That being said, I do not expect our level of cyber communication in the world to decrease--in fact, I believe it may only increase, along with our ever-evolving technological tools that allow us to communicate in a multitude of ways. I must point out here that phone technology has seemed to improve in bringing us ways to see the people we're speaking with in real time. This technology allows for a simulated face-to-face conversation that comes closest to the real thing, and I find that pretty cool! :-)

   So, the purpose of my blog today is to create awareness of how our cyber communication may be affecting the quality of our communication as a whole. Is is keeping you regularly connected to your loved ones? Is it pushing you away from having meaningful experiences with people you care about? Is it something that you can better regulate in your life to find a better balance in how you communicate? These are some of the questions that I've been asking myself when it comes to this subject. For the most part, I feel better connected to people that I do not see on a regular basis. Can I use it a bit less and pick up a phone and call some of my family and friends more often or go visit them in person? Yes. Will I? I'll try. ;-)

Choosing Responses to Experience

"Everything we do is a choice! In every instant, we are making a choice about what we will do...as well as a choice about what we will think..."--Jonathan Lockwood Huie

   I have been a firm advocate of the concept that, while we cannot control what happens to us, we can control how we respond to our experiences. Lately, I have begun to realize that there are certain things that happen to us that we can, in fact, control. Those things also seem to stem from choices that we make. For example: if we make choices that we know can hurt others or ourselves, but we make them anyway, we are setting ourselves up for future experiences of pain and sorrow. Conversely, if we make choices that are positive and uplifting for others and ourselves, we can expect to receive even more joyful experiences in the future. I suppose some would call it "karma". I think of it as our thoughts and intentions influencing our choices and courses of action.

   The same can be said for our choices regarding interpersonal communication. If we find ourselves in the midst of an argument that is steadily becoming heated--and we notice this occurring--we have choices to make: primarily, 1) Do we continue to let this argument escalate? and 2) Do we make an attempt to cool this disagreement down a bit? Our decisions rest on our abilities to take a step back and notice what is going on around us, our intent for the direction of the conversation in the first place, and a multitude of other personal reasons that people engage in communication with others (relational and content level meaning, etc.).

   Let's say we decide to let the argument escalate because--damn it--we're angry right now! Ok, so we keep adding fuel to the conversational fire, and we find ourselves experiencing even more anger, frustration, and pain. Did we ask for this? Indirectly...yes. We made a choice to continue in the manner we were heading, and now we have more choices to make regarding how to respond to what is happening to us in this moment. We can stay angry, make an attempt to cool down, cry, etc., etc. Our decisions come from many places; however, I would say that the goal towards feeling better about our situations is to begin making more conscious and present-minded choices about our experiences.

   It all comes down to awareness of the choices we make on a daily basis. If we can look at how potential words and actions might affect others (and ourselves) before we say or make them, we might avoid a lot of extra work and unnecessary pain trying to undo a previous choice we made. Also, if we keep watch on the thoughts and intentions that lead to our potential words and actions, we will have begun applying the consistent work it takes to be a more present-minded and conscious person. I believe the rewards of this work are completely worth it. My positive thoughts are with you as you continue to navigate your own life journey.

Liberation in Letting Go

"I recognize that the person I was in my past is not the person I am today." --Jonathan Lockwood Huie

   Change is part of our personal progression and evolution as human beings. It is inevitable and one of the only constants we face in our lives. I have often been quite stubborn about facing change in my own life, and truthfully, I still prefer routine to spontaneity. For the most part, this is what I'm used to and seek out in my day-to-day life; however, there are plenty of circumstances that I cannot control, plan ahead for, and expect. What happens then? I have had to use those opportunities to look within myself and find the courage to let things be and let things go. An authentic and genuine sense of freedom and liberation have followed...

   I was humbled by a recent experience at work when I needed to ask for help and found it very difficult and frustrating to do so. You see, my role at work parallels a bit of the role I have found myself playing in most of my life: helper to others. I fill in for my coworkers/team whenever they cannot come into the office (if they're on vacation, feel ill, or just need the day off for whatever reason). I am happy to play my role because I am happy helping other people. Well, one day, I found myself at the office suddenly needing help of my own. I was not pleased because I wanted to be there and wanted to continue helping my team to get our job done for the day. Of course, I tried to ignore my need at first (Me ask for help? Whatever.), and it wasn't helping. I was suffering a dizzy spell (likely brought on by fatigue and stress), the room felt like it was literally spinning, and I knew that I wasn't going to be much use to anyone in that current state of being. I felt miserable; however, I felt more miserable admitting to my boss what I was experiencing. I felt weak, like a failure, like someone who was letting others down. This was someone I used to be in my past still speaking for me in the present, and I knew I had grown out of this perspective. I just needed to let it go.

   That being said, I was nevertheless grateful. Grateful that another coworker was able to fill in for me and the team was able to move on with the day successfully. I really beat myself up from within that day, but fortunately, I was able to take a step back and look at what I was doing. After some rest and prayerful thought (of what, I believe, was truly needing to be healed--my perspective), I realized what I had been doing. I was, once again, being harder on myself than I would have been to anyone else in my situation, expecting to be an all-powerful person all the time, no exceptions.  

   Well, that belief didn't get me anywhere that day--nor would it continue to serve me as a helper of others if I continued to cling to it. So, I decided to let that old belief go. Here is where the real sense of liberation, freedom, and release kicked in. I wasn't being strong by holding onto an unrealistic ideal of who I wanted to be (helper of all, helped by none) I was being stubborn and antagonistic towards my own healing--and healing in general. Looking back, I know that I had that experience to help teach me about the power of letting go, which I thought I already understood, of course!

   True letting go is about having the courage to know that--whatever happens--you will be fine. You can ask for help and what you need, and you will not be "weak". You will be fine. You can accept that sometimes you don't have all the answers--and it's OK. You are still fine. Just let go of whatever old beliefs from your past you feel might still be weighing you down and know that you are just fine. Thank goodness for change. Thank goodness we are not the same people today that we used to be in our past. And, thank goodness that whenever we let something go, we are still just fine.

Expressing Gratitude

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough."--Meister Eckhart

   Over the course of the past three years, I have been going through a major paradigm shift in my life. Nurturing my spiritual foundation with much needed Love, my perspective on what it truly means to be grateful has nevertheless shifted as well. 

   I've come to learn that gratitude has no real rules to follow--you don't necessarily have to send thank you notes to people for every single gift you receive to be grateful. You don't have to go to great lengths to show others how appreciative you are to be grateful. You don't even have to utter one word out loud to be grateful. (Though it might help others to hear the words "Thank you" on occasion). No, gratitude is less of an act and more of an attitude. A feeling. A sense. Knowledge. 

   I believe that when we are truly grateful, that gratitude will reflect in all aspects of life. We may find that we have more patience and time to share with loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers we meet out in public. Rather than rushing through our days, rarely stopping to notice what's going on around us, we might find that when we do allow ourselves to slow down to be in the present moment, a lightness of being there might follow. Giving ourselves permission to slow down and just be opens up opportunity for reflection on how grateful we are to be here--and maybe to be with others on a similar journey of experience together. 

   Gratitude has become a constant in my life, and though it undoubtedly takes time, effort, and consistency (like all worthwhile things in life do), I have found that holding it within for myself, as well as reflecting it to others whenever I can, is its own reward. Material objects seem to hold less value for me as they once did as I continue acknowledging and expressing gratitude everyday.

   There are other benefits as well. For instance, on days that I find myself less able to think about gratitude (for whatever reason), I try to think about all that I am still grateful for in my life. Even if it's just a small thing such as: "Well, I've got ice cream in the freezer", or bigger: "I have a sweet bird who knows how to whistle songs and make the day seem brighter when he does", to the even bigger: "Of course, I have a wonderful husband, friends, and family that I love very much and who love me." What you actually think about when you take this type of "gratitude inventory" is not as important as the fact that you're actively reaching within yourself for that feeling and knowledge of gratitude during times when you might have, instead, allowed yourself to sink into thoughts and feelings of negativity. 

   
   So, how does communication come into play for this blog entry? Well, I believe communication occurs not just between us but also within us. We have conversations with ourselves all the time! That little voice that speaks to us as our conscience tells us all kinds of things about what we "should" and "should not" do, we talk to ourselves in the form of thoughts whenever we're trying to make decisions, whenever we're experiencing emotions, worrying about something, planning the rest of our day, etc. The list goes on and on...So, while you're engaging in communication with yourself, it might be interesting and worthwhile to try discussing that which you're grateful for--then try expressing it to others. 

   
   For our first Christmas together as a married couple, I recall creating a "Gratitude Journal" for my husband. Each day (beginning around November--when I had the idea) I would reflect upon what I was thankful for about him and write it down as an entry. I decorated the entries with little symbols and pictures and tried to make it visually appealing, though obviously, the words of appreciation were most important. I spent the time leading up to that Christmas expressing gratitude to my husband, and even on those days when I wasn't necessarily feeling all that grateful (maybe we had a disagreement one day), I looked within myself to what it was about him that I always appreciated and wrote about that. It was never impossible to find something to be grateful for, as on one of those days of disagreement with him, I remember writing something along the lines of: "Even though we disagreed about______, I appreciate that we are able to talk about it and come to better understandings about each other." Gratitude is always under the surface of every situation if we just scratch hard enough. 

   
   I'm glad that I had the opportunity to share my thoughts with you today and that people will read this blog and learn something from it. This is what fuels me to keep writing and sharing. I'm grateful for the lessons and the knowledge that comes from the process. Thank you for reading. :-)

Deactivating Reactivity

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."--Carl Jung

   It's not surprising that the word "reactivity" can be applied to both chemistry and human interaction. Both can result in a large explosion if caution is not applied; thus, as Jung suggests, a transformation occurs. This transformation might become a turning point within the relationship, one of many 'explosions' that regularly occur within the relationship, or even an opportunity to learn from the experience. I try to choose the third option at this point in my life; however, I am a work in progress on this topic of reactivity.

   Following my previous blog about assumption with reactivity seems rather appropriate, as I often see the two inextricably linked in a vicious cycle of jumping to conclusions before knowing all the facts, then reacting to one's conclusions in a way that only amplifies the intensity of an increasingly negative situation.

   Case in point: my husband and I. We have been through the vicious cycle of assumption and reactivity more than I can count; however, we have frequently chosen to use our experiences in ways that help us learn more about each other rather than tear each other down. A recent example involved an argument about the order in which we planned to get necessary projects done on our house. I guess the definition of "necessary" also came into play here: we disagreed not only on the order of what should be done, but we also disagreed on what was necessary to do in the first place! As we're arguing back and forth about that, I was noticing myself becoming increasingly angry about something else that I had yet to bring up. I was reacting to even older assumptions about my husband that I had never fully confirmed before blowing up about them! You can see how my earlier blog about perception checking comes into play here--and how I need to keep taking my own advice.

   But communication is a two-way street. My husband had his own assumptions about me at work in our argument as well, though I will admit he is not as much of a "reactor" as I can be. Aside from learning that we needed to stop assuming and start perception checking, another lesson was making itself clear to me: I needed to deactivate my reactivity. The unnecessary kind--that can only lead to more anger and hurt feelings within relationships. Any reactivity pertaining to positive feelings (e.g. excitement, happiness, joy, etc.) is not being addressed here.

   Deactivating my reactivity essentially means that whenever I feel myself becoming angry about something someone else says or does, I need to take that as a sign that more work needs to be done. Have I clarified what the speaker meant by what they said (perception checked)?  

Example: (I'm engaging in a discussion with my husband about a technological issue--his area of expertise).

Husband:  "You don't understand..."

(These words usually ignite my urge to become reactive, as I perceive these words to be an insult to my intelligence, so when I give in to that urge I'll usually say something like, "Yes, I do! You don't understand what I'm saying..." Obviously that line of conversation gets us nowhere fast, and we might end up in an argument and/or in a negative space with each other.) Here's what I'll say once I deactivate my urge to react:

Me: "Do you mean that I don't understand the topic in general or is there something else that I'm missing here?" (Perception checking)

Husband: "You have to understand [insert history or other relevant facts about whatever technological thing we're discussing here] before you can make a definitive conclusion about [insert more techie language here]."

   I absolutely love my husband's intelligence on the topic of technology; however, it can also be a source of reactivity for me whenever I let my own insecurities about not understanding the subject as well as he does get in the way of effective communication. Obviously, the urge to overreact can go deeper into our own personal issues (insecurity, past experiences, etc.), which is why it can be critical to remember to perception check what others say whenever we sense those familiar reactivity feelings stirring within.

   Let's say a perception check yields further results that continue to keep reactivity building: maybe you've clarified what someone meant to say and it really was an insult. This would not necessarily happen unless the person was deliberately trying to hurt you or if you were in the middle of a heated argument. Nonetheless, for these situations, I recommend continuing to keep your own reactivity in check as much as possible. You could say one of the following to help deactivate an increasingly tense situation:

• "I realize that the anger might be speaking right now, so maybe we should take 5 or 10 minutes alone and cool off before we continue this conversation."
• "I hear that you're feeling angry with me right now. What do you need from me in this moment?" (If it's a reasonable request, try to reach resolution. If not, use your best judgment as to how you should proceed. Maybe time away from each other to cool off really is best.)
• "I know that you probably didn't mean what you just said about me, and I won't take it personally, but I would like to resolve this without letting anger get out of control."

   Yes, a lot of this might sound strange, foreign, or like therapist talk; however, it is merely my own suggestion for practicing deactivation of reactivity. You may find another way that works for you, though the important thing to remember is to keep practicing! Find a method that works, stick to it, and continue learning about what seems to make you react as well as ways that you can practice deactivating any unnecessary and negative reactivity.

   What do you have to lose?

My Case Against Assumption

"Never assume, for it makes an ASS out of U and ME."-- Anon.

   There's a good reason why that saying exists. I can recount multiple instances within my life where I assumed someone was thinking, feeling, or saying something that they actually never were. As far as I know, I do not have extrasensory perception (ESP) that allows me to read minds. I can only make educated guesses about what others are thinking, and I'm pretty sure most others only have educated guesses to fall back on as well. Let's all do ourselves a favor and turn the ESP off. [No offense to any "psychics" that may be reading].

   As I think back on times when someone assumed something of me that I felt was unjustified, these conversations usually included me yelling: "That's not what I said! Stop putting words in my mouth!" Sound familiar? If it does, maybe you also participated in similar conversations.

   Perhaps it's the mainstream American part of me talking, but I could absolutely, positively never stand it whenever someone assumed anything of me. How could anyone really know what I was thinking or feeling without coming right out and asking me? I realize that a lot of assumption stems from our nonverbal communication--how we say something (tone and volume of voice, facial expressions, body language, etc.) vs. the actual words we use. I also know that what we don't say can also land us in assumption territory.

   For instance: we might not have the opportunity to say "I love you" before hanging up a phone call with a significant other one day, potentially leading said significant other to wonder: "Is something wrong?", "Was someone else in the room? Who was it?", etc. Status of relationship, one's own level of self-esteem, and a multitude of other factors can also come into play during contexts of assumption. Before you know it, suspicions can snowball into accusations and beliefs that were never fully explored, and before you know it, you may find yourself in a frustrating argument (over one minor instance) that might have been prevented by simple questions. Because of this, I am pleading the following case today about assumption: STOP IT!!!

   Heed the saying at the beginning of this blog today: don't run the risk of making as "ass" of oneself or someone else. My case against assumption might rub some people the wrong way, especially those who prefer indirect methods of communication. I used to be one of you--and sometimes I still am--but I have learned many a hard way just how ineffective assuming things can be. Subtle hints and cues can be missed. Direct questions can be asked in clear, loving ways that should feel safe (and not like interrogations) within a healthy relationship.

   My dear, sweet, well-intentioned husband has also experienced the pain of making false assumptions about me (and I of him), leading to a recent "No Assumptions" policy being established in our home. Seriously.

   What we have put in assumption's place is the following: "If you're wondering what I'm thinking or feeling, ask me." and "Perception check if you're not sure what I just said". Perception checking occurs after someone had said something and you're not quite sure of its meaning, so you say, "So, what I'm hearing is [relay your perception of what was said back to the speaker]. Is that what you meant?" Trust me, although it seems like a lot of work in the beginning, the end result should be much more peaceful and harmonious compared to accusing a person of saying something that was far from the original intent. You're likely to end up in territory that leads to defensiveness, anger, etc. if you follow the assumption path.

   Communication is a complex, evolving process (especially within relationships), and I've found that it's just not worth the extra expended energy to assume things (potentially leading myself to experience unnecessarily triggered anxiety) when I could just own my feelings and thoughts about what was said and ask some questions and/or perception check to have my theories either confirmed or denied.

   To clarify, my case against assumption applies mainly to situations when one becomes confused or concerned about someone else. If you want to make someone happy, by planning a surprise party, for example, (hopefully after confirming that this person would actually enjoy having a surprise party in their honor), then by all means, go right ahead. My case is about respecting people's rights to their own thoughts, feelings, and words. If you believe you are close enough to someone to know that they'd like a surprise party, that's one thing. If you believe you are close enough to someone to believe that you can read their mind, that's another. Guess what? You're probably not. Just like no one can necessarily get inside your mind and tell you exactly what you're thinking. You are the only one that can tell the world what you're thinking and feeling. This is why we all have such an important responsibility to learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings to others in effective ways.

   This blog will be discussing any and all communication issues that people might be wondering about, as well as issues that have proven to be challenges and learning examples from my own life. I have a feeling the notion of assumption might be raised again--as we all perceive reality through our own unique lenses and filters. I'm here to lend my own knowledge and tools to the process.